Raggedy Ann

Caminhada pela Fertilidade

2009-05-23T15:04:00.002+01:00

No próximo dia 21 de Junho, a Associação Portuguesa de Fertilidade promove a 2ª Caminhada pela Fertilidade, no Parque da Cidade (Porto), assinalando o Dia Nacional da Fertilidade e o Mês Internacional da Fertilidade.

Esta iniciativa, com um percurso de 2km, em por objectivo sensibilizar os cidadãos para os actuais problemas de fertilidade e visa promover a saúde reprodutiva em geral.

A todos os participantes será oferecido um Kit-Caminhada, distribuído no local da concentração, onde a APFertilidade manterá uma tenda fixa com actividades recreativas.

A participação na Caminhada é gratuita, mas exige uma inscrição, por razões logísticas.

Here, listening to...

2009-05-07T21:05:00.001+01:00

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-05-04T21:51:00.003+01:00

First of all, I owe you all apologies for not being back for so long. But it's the same old, same old...work! work! work! My internet is back to normal and I'm connected to the world once again. Yay! I've been navigating the land of twitter (as Mel would put it) these last few weeks spreading the word of my Association around, trying to reach other people, other communities. And this is where my Perfect Moment comes in...

It was Mother's Day here in Portugal yesterday. Not an easy day for us IF gals! I remember all too well the pain and the emptiness associated to this day. Yesterday a darling friend of mine, Luís Filipe Sarmento, a Portuguese writer and poet, sent me, line by line via Twitter, a beautiful poem written specifically for this day, dedicated to all women in Portugal who are still struggling to become a mother. I was so touched by this incredible act of kindness and generosity. The poem, entitled "Hello mother, I'm not here yet", is posted on the blog of the Portuguese Fertility Association, and when I have a bit more time, I want to translate it to English and share it with you all. Here it goes in Portuguese:

Olá, mãe, eu ainda não existo
sou apenas o teu sonho de ternura
em busca da eternidade
Sei que me procuras com todo o risco
os teus dias são feitos de amargura
para que o destino seja natividade
Eu tenho um nome antes de nascer
e uma casa plena de afectos
para que, mãe, possas renascer
e eu seja o sentido
dos teus projectos.

Eu não desisto de ti, mãe
Sou apenas uma ideia quando olhas as estrelas
perdida no paraíso dos sonhos
Um dia serei alguém
a navegar nos teus braços como caravelas
no mar dos teus olhos risonhos
Eu sou o filho que te espera
no mundo desconhecido do além
farei parte de uma nova era
serei o filho sonhado de minha mãe.

Knock! Knock! Anyone still out there?

2009-04-26T17:11:00.002+01:00

Things have been really tough around here, barely surviving on a crappy net connection. Hopefully everything will be sorted and back to normal in a couple of days. However, I did not appreciate being held "hostage" by a phone company. Still feel like going out there to kick their ass. Other than this to rant about, it's been really busy at school these past couple of weeks and the outlook for the next month is even worse. Oh well! Can't really complain when you've got a steady job that you actually enjoy.

The little guy is doing really well. Loving school! Enjoying life! And always a smile on that gorgeous face of his. Couldn't ask for more.

I've just realised how much I've missed blogging and all my blog buddies. I'll have a lot of catching up to do once my internet is sorted.

A great Sunday to all & catch you soon! :)

A quick hello

2009-04-15T15:44:00.005+01:00

Having internet problems at home (what else is new?). I have very limited access, meaning I'm only able to view/answer emails and not much else. It's a long story, and believe me, you don't want to hear it. Hopefully all will be sorted some time next week. That is, if I survive that long.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-04-13T21:07:00.004+01:00

We were supposed to go grocery shopping today and then, as a treat, I'd take the little guy to McDonald's. At the shopping centre he went straight for the toy department. A little while later he came running up begging me to buy him a gormiti (these "things" he collects). I said no. I felt a scene coming on. I could see the tears building up in his eyes. My own heart was breaking. But I stuck to my no and he kept his cool. I bought him a book instead. After doing the shopping, I realised we were running very late and explained that we couldn't make it to McDonald's today and I promised we'd go over the weekend. I aplogised, he said it was ok. He spent the rest of the afternoon reading the book I'd bought him and said it was much better than a gormiti. When he kissed me goodnight he told me I was the best mom in the world. A sigh of rlief. My little guy is growing up and I think I'm doing an ok job as his mom. It was a perfect moment indeed.

Don't forget to stop by Lori's for more Perfect Moments.

Friends Award

2009-04-13T18:42:00.003+01:00

Thank you, sweet Martha, for this lovely friends award. I'm truly honoured...my very first blog award! You know I'd be lost here without you, Martha.

So, according to the rules, I have to pay it forward to 8 other blog friends:

A Wanderer's Wares
Life induces thoughts, mostly random
Parenthood for Me
Baby Smiling In Back Seat
alicia
I want to be a mommy
Dragondreamer's Lair
Ciber Utero (Portuguese blog buddy)
Weebles Wobblog (I know you got this from Martha as well)

And this just made my day!

Back to reality

2009-04-13T14:52:00.003+01:00

Just got back from a lovely weekend up in the beautiful hills of northern Portugal. Hope everyone had a great Easter. Mine was sinful: great food & wine! Weather is crap today (cold & rainy), which matches my mood. Can't believe it's back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks of bliss. Off to unpack and do laundry, but first need to catch up on all my blog buddies.

Quotable Quotidian

2009-04-09T21:43:00.004+01:00

"You must be the change you want to see in the world."
Ghandi

Nearly 2 years ago we started our first infertility support group, which later led to a network of support groups across Portugal, which I coordinate (APFertilidade). The above quote is the mott o of our project. We felt in our hearts that the change had to start within ourselves before we could expect others to regard the pain of infertility differently. We've come a long way and I do believe that there has been a significant change; however there is still a long and winding road ahead and much to be done in order to reach out to those that really do need our help.

Pop over to Parenthood for Me to read other inspiring quotes.

Outras Vozes

2009-04-08T23:11:00.006+01:00

Camponesa Sentada, George Seurat (1883)

Há tempos, quando fui à terra dos meus pais, encontrei a Maria*, uma vizinha lá da aldeia, que deve ter mais ou menos a minha idade. Ela já está casada há muitos anos e não tem filhos, o que levanta sempre a suspeita de infertilidade. Nunca tinha abordado o assunto com ela. Sempre achei que, por conhecer a minha história, ela poderia vir falar comigo quando o quisesse. Nunca o fez.

Quando a encontrei, ela ia a caminho do campo e parou para fazer umas festas ao meu filho. Deu-me um aperto no coração. Ganhei um bocadinho de coragem e perguntei-lhe se ela e o marido nunca pensaram fazer tratamentos. Ela olhou para mim e, com um sorriso triste, disse «Claro que sim! Ainda pensamos nisso. O meu cunhado Manel até ofereceu-se para nos emprestar dinheiro, mas não quisemos. Temos o gado para cuidar e quem olha por isto quando estamos fora? Deus assim não quis.» Tive que me controlar para não me desmanchar à frente dela. Apetecia-me dizer-lhe que não deitasse as culpas todas para Deus, que os homens, também tinham a sua dose. Aqueles que não se lembram que há tantos Marias por este país fora, sem informação, sem apoios, sem condições financeiras para sequer procurar ajuda. Mulheres que aceitam assim a sua condição como um desígnio de Deus, quase sem questionarem se seriam filhas do mesmo Deus que dá algumas oportunidades a quem tem uma condição financeira mais favorável ou um bocadinho de sorte de viver num meio com acesso a mais informação.

Como eu gostaria de ser uma espécie de Robin Hood e arrancar com aquela mulher para a cidade para que tivesse, pelo menos, uma oportunidade para conseguir ser mãe. Mas também não seria justo criar ilusões numa mulher que se resignara ao seu "basta!", não por não aguentar as amarguras dos tratamentos, mas por aceitar as suas limitações no acesso a esses mesmos tratamentos.

* nome fictício

My guys...

2009-04-08T16:18:00.003+01:00

...make me smile. Big guy let me sleep in this morning and treated me to breakfast in bed. Then he let me rant for the rest of the morning about the "thing" that made me so angry. Little guy got a bit jealous and says he's taking me out to dinner tonight, his treat. I get to pick the place: McDonald's or Pizza Hut. Not really what I had in mind, but it's the thought that counts. I'll try to talk him into a nice Italian restaurant in town.

What makes you smile when you're angry?

Cryptic Wednesday

2009-04-08T10:31:00.006+01:00

Warning: This post is not to be understood! Just need to vent some anger.

I started fuming yesterday when I heard about it and today I'm just about to blow my top after seeing it. Feel like walking out the door and slamming it shut behind me. Who the hell do people think they are waltzing in and out like that? The fricken fairy godmother? Well, listen up, if you want to be the fairy godmother, then try doing something useful that will actually help others and not just yourself. In case you haven't realised, this is not about you!

Glad I got that off my chest. Now back to the daily grind.

Picture Perfect Moment

2009-04-08T00:01:00.000+01:00

Ten on Tuesday

2009-04-07T21:14:00.004+01:00

Way before my blogging days I used to love checking out Ten on Tuesday. I stumbled on it when I was searching for some actvities to do with my students & got hooked on it immediately. I even ran a similar weekly activity on our discussion board for a while... and then I forgot all about it. That goes to show you what happens to your brain at 40. Today the little guy asked me what day it was and I said "Tuesday". And that's when I remembered "Ten on Tuesday"! So here we go, folks:

Ten Least Liked Foods (this is a tough one for someone who loves food!):

carrots
zucchini
turkey
salmon
yoghurt (unless it's Greek yoghurt)
milk
pumpkin
anchovies
beetroot
rhubarb

Now how difficult could that be? I swear it took me nearly half an hour to compile this list and these are not even things I hate - just least like. I am a food lover!

Want join in on the fun? Check out Ten on Tuesday! I will never forget again.

Never Apologize, Never Explain

2009-04-06T22:25:00.002+01:00

On the contrary, always apologize and explain,
in the terror-white veracity, down to the essence bone,
tenaciously follow the long road. Be
capable and Voltairean, discreet of form and substance, tell it
like it is, don't gloss over
in silent splendor.

Give the unattractive facts. But they won't be
that insipid (arrears of heavenly bodies).
And if you have to polish up
the contemptible gaff, give it all you've got-seriously,
don't swindle and pretend the sky
didn't fall in.

But dole out the mathematics, saviors of the gut.
Inching without propaganda the longhand
of dream. Even insult the host who
just wanted to play the game. Apologize in sample color,
if you loved something, say it. If kept
under your hat,

let the fallacies represent you.
From whatever Acropolis of stress, bat with
that genuine non-expurgation, the angel of bottomless pits.
Versatility and science; right the wrongs you know,
and do it with wholeheartedness. In fundamentals
so brash, or like a glass of water.

By Jane Mayhall
From Sleeping Late on Judgment Day: Poems

Today was one of those days.

Perfect Moment: Wrong Number

2009-04-06T17:55:00.008+01:00

I'm so excited! This is my first time posting a Perfect Moment. Thank you so much, Lori, for this opportunity. I have this terrible habit of saving people's numbers on my cell phone without adding any extra info I might need to associate the person to a face later on. So there must be hundreds of Maria's or José's that I have no idea who they are. I could just add something like "X's mom", "from support group", "student" etc. Nope! I always convince myself that I'll know who they are later on. But let's face it, at 40 my memory is not what it used to be.

Today I had to make a phone call and realised there were 4 different people with the same name in my phone list. I couldn't remember this person's last name nor anything more for that matter. So, decided to call them in order until I hit jackpot. And this is when my perfect moment took place. I dialled the first one on the list and she knew who it was from caller ID. First thing she says when she answered was "OMG! How did you know?!? Are you psychic?" I recognised her voice immediately and my brain started processing that bit of info and it clicked! "You're pregnant!!!" She had just received her results shortly before my call. It was an incredible moment because the last time we spoke she was getting ready for FET #2 and was a nervous wreck. I tried to explain why I had called her but she's still convinced that I have psychic powers. This is actually quite funny because I am such a non-believer when it comes to these things. But I hope this is a perfect moment she'll be telling her child one day. I was thrilled.

Check out some other Perfect Moments at Weebles Wobblog.

En Tus Brazos

2009-04-06T12:28:00.005+01:00

Somebody posted this on the discussion board of our association and I just had to bring it over here to share with you. I'm still in awe at the beauty of this animated movie. It reminds me of when my dad lost his leg to cancer and the hardships he went through in order to re-invent himself. And then of course we have the passion & power of tango. It is sexy, promiscuous and predatory!

I highly recommend watching this movie in high quality on the official website "En Tus Brazos".

Sunday Singing

2009-04-05T23:48:00.000+01:00

I used to love dancing to this tune! Unfortunately, no dancing for this gal for a while. Remember how I said I was afraid of jinxing my big walking plans, well it happened. On Friday I did the stupid thing of climbing our lemon tree because I needed a lemon to season the salad. Did I use the ladder? Of course not! Climbed up the tree myself, jeans got caught on a branch and I came tumbling down, spraining my ankle. Sob! Sob!

Oh well! Worse things could happen. But on a more positive note, Uncle Armie is here! Yay! And mystery guest is my gorgeous, childhood friend George. And I got so many goodies! Forget diets because I've been pigging out on Tim Horton donuts. That's right! Uncle Armie managed to smuggle onto the plane 2 boxes of donuts and 4 raison bran muffins. That should help mend my ankle. I am in donut heaven right now!

What tunes would get you to the dancefloor right now? Are we going for 80s cheese? C'mon, humour the DJ here.

Show and Tell

2009-04-05T11:20:00.003+01:00

Inspired by Mel's post, I decided to show off where I'm headed at Easter weekend. No guessing game, though. As usual, we go up to the hills, heading north to the town where my parents live, right on the Spanish border. One of the great Easter traditions here in the north of Portugal includes going house to house in a quasi procession, led by the priest holding the crucifix. After the priest says somes prayers and blesses the house, villagers and family members kiss the cross and then greet the hosts of the house, wishing them well for the year, before running off to another house to repeat the same ritual. Needless to say that this involves high alcohol consumption so, as my parents' house is the very last one, it's always good fun watching the priest trip over his robes or muddling up the prayers. I have to say, I'm not big on the whole religious part of it, nor do I find it hygienic to be kissing a cross covered in all those germs, normally we just pretend to kiss it, but I do like to keep up traditions that are part of our heritage.

Here you can see the priest and his aides heading off for the the next house.

Here we have the town church, behind the centre square, where you can find an underground museum with Roman ruins

This is the old jail house that has been transformed into a wine cellar, promoting the local white wine.

To see what the rest of the class is showing and telling, check out Mel's Show & Tell.

Photo Shoot

2009-04-02T14:56:00.004+01:00

While dad was busy finishing off some work today, the little guy and I decided to have some fun. We got out an old shoebox, a stick, bits from old toys, scissors, glue & tape and voilá...a pirate ship! Then he decided I'd be the perfect model and thus began our photo shoot. Got cross at me, though, because I was getting a bit too silly. These damn models! Then we woke up poor Chiclete, our cat, and chased her around the orchard to get a picture. She did not appreciate that. And by that time we had worked up an apetite, so time to get dinner started. Man I love this silliness! He thinks mom better grow up!

Walking on Sunshine

2009-04-02T11:54:00.006+01:00

...and don't it feel good!!

This Easter break has turned into the holiday I so badly needed. I'm enjoying the sunshine and this beautiful Spring weather. Though damn birds insist on waking me up in the wee hours of the morning with their chirping and singing. Don't they know I want to sleep in? As ususal my internet connection is doing my head in. I've finally narrowed it down to a faulty modem, but trying to get provider to send me a new one. So, in the meantime, I'm trying to keep away from the net for fear that computer rage will get the best of me.

My time has been spent doing the things I enjoy most: gardening, cooking and reading. And music everywhere!!!! I've been teaching the little guy how to cook. I was going to start with just simple stuff, like sandwiches or scrambled eggs. But the little guy aims high, so doing the works! We're talking Mediterranean cuisine! Luckily, we have quite an array of herbs & vegetables in our garden. He loves fish, so yesterday I showed him how to clean and gut them. I thought he was going to go all "this is gross" on me, but no! I think he was actually enjoying it. Ah there's hope that's he's inherited my cooking genes (and not his dad's!).

I've also been doing a lot of walking, preparing for you-know-what. (the Camino! Shhhh!) I haven't talked about it much because I'm so afraid of jinxing it. I realise how so not fit I am, meaning I fear not making it the whole way. But I'm determined to give it a try and if I have to call it quits along the way, so be it!

Tomorrow I've got my uncle Armie coming over from Canada! Yay! That means I'm getting a lot of goodies! Double yay! He also says he's bringing a surprise guest. Triple yay! I'm like a little kid in anticipation. It could be a new girlfriend; however, I have a feeling it's an old friend of mine. I had a peek at this friend's website where he mentions a trip to Europe soon. Oh the joy! Oh the excitement! I love when my uncle surprises me like this cuz it brings out the little girl inside of me.

Quiet Nights

2009-04-01T23:06:00.000+01:00

Oh get it right, girl!

2009-04-01T15:10:00.011+01:00

I bet that's what you're thinking. Yes, I've changed my header once again and it probably won't be the last time. Still don't know what I'm looking for.

I started off as plain "Raggedy Ann". I was still in my prime back then - a young lass on the way to the big 4-0.

Then I thought the time had come to grow up and given that I was going through a very stressful time in my life, thus came the "Damsel Under Stress":

But I tell you this Damsel chick started getting on my nerves and I found I was coming back to my blog less and less (along with bad internet connection). There's something quite unnerving about this header, I have to say. She seems to have lost her wand, and I like to believe I still have it clutched in my hand. Don't you just feel like telling her to pick up the bloody wand, get off her ass and stop whinging?

So she did! And now we move on to "The World According to Raggedy Ann". A little pretentious, you say? I think you're right, which means I don't really know how long this one is going to last. I had a blast from the past last night going through some old movies (because my internet connection wasn't working. Damn!) and came across "The World According to Garp", a movie that touched me so much in my youth.

So, I welcome you to my new header. Please be very honest in your feedback*!

* No, don't be honest! You can lie through your teeth!

NB: This is not an April Fool's joke, unless you really don't like it.

PostSecret

2009-03-29T19:06:00.002+01:00

PostSecret Community

Sunday Singing - Guaranteed

2009-03-29T14:08:00.001+01:00

Windows to the Soul

2009-03-29T12:15:00.004+01:00

A Corner of the Artist's Room in Paris
Gwen John

"'I am not myself except in my room,' wrote Gwen John to her erstwhile lover, Rodin, and her room has its own personality. The soft sunshine, the wicker chair, the open book, the window opening on to Paris: perfect silence, simplicity, restraint. The coat on the chair speaks of the possibility of going out, but also the peace of staying in. Some see it as an absent self, along with the chair over which it is draped, but the beautiful room is not empty. The artist is present, creating the atmosphere as she paints. And what a beautiful reverie: partly achieved by using chalk in the primer and a lot of white to get those misty, pearly tones, partly with brushstrokes that are never put on to bear the impression of the artist’s ego, each half concealing the next"

In the Guardian, Laura Cumming recommends 10 works worth spending a whole afternoon with. She's the art critic who wrote that incredibly beautiful piece in the Observer last year on how her longing to have a child shed a new light on the way she observed art. You can read it here.

Earth hour fun...

2009-03-28T23:44:00.004Z

... so not fun this year! My two guys were at each others' throats! Why, you ask? Because of the fricken remote controls for both TVs that went missing, that's why! Damn Mr Edison for bringing an hour's grief to my life today. I had prepared loads of fun & games to keep us entertained. We had an early dinner and I made popcorn to munch on once lights went out. At 8:25 I started lighting the candles and told my guys to come down cuz it was almost time for all the fun! What I failed to notice, cuz I was listening to music on my mp3 player, was that they were having a huge row because my little guy has this bad habit of hiding remote controls from dad so he doesn't change the channel. And dad does the same thing to the little guy. So, somehow one of them (or both of them) managed to lose the stupid remotes. Who the hell gives a f**** when the whole idea is that everything will be off anyhow cuz that's the whole point of earth hour, right? Wrong! So how did we entertain ourselves? Searching the whole fricken house with candles for the f****** remotes! With both of them shouting "it was your fault!" " no, it was your fault!". Me with "would anybody like popcorn? How about a game of charades?". When lights came back on we finally found the bloody remotes. But the joke is on them cuz tomorrow they're going missing again, but that will be my doing.

Things that make you go Grrr...

2009-03-27T23:43:00.004Z

Having to delete a comment some bible basher had the nerve to drop on my blog just now. Damn! I am really not on good terms with the church lately. I could turn a blind eye to their views on Reproductive Medicine and abortion because it does not suprise me at all. And in a way I can almost understand where they're coming from, although, and I stress this, I do not share these views! However, when you hear this pope preaching against the use of condoms during his trip to Angola, now that sends me into a fury! How dare he say something like this in this day in age when considering all the AIDS victims in the African continent. Then we have that case of the 9-year-old Brazilian girl who had to have her pregnancy terminated after being raped by her stepfather. And pregnant with twins to top it all off. How does the church stretch out a helping hand? Through the excommunication of the little girl's mother and the health workers involved in the pregnancy termination. God forbid they should excommunicate the bastard who raped the little girl. These are the things that make my blood boil!

My Infertility Soundtrack - track #1

2009-03-27T23:18:00.004Z

A Estrada da Montanha
Letra e Música de Pedro Ayres Magalhães

Nessa estrada que vai à montanha
Há uma casa pequena
Onde um dia eu he-de ir morar

Encanta e vale a pena
Ver a montanha serena contra o azul profundo do mar.

É lá,
É lá que eu vou sentir o vento
E posso provar a tempo todos os frutos de cada estação

Nessa estrada que vai à montanha,
Lá na casa branca,
já deixei o meu coração

- Ai é, Ai é,
- Pois é, eu também quero ir nessa estrada, qual é?

- Ai é, Ai é,
- Pois é, eu também quero ir aí!

Boots of Spanish Leather

2009-03-22T21:59:00.002Z

Searching for some inspiration tonight to finish off some work. Nothing better than the words of the great poet, Bob Dylon, in Nanci's angelical voice. Wishing everybody a great week!

Show & Tell: Spring Blooms

2009-03-21T23:35:00.009Z

I have to admit I'm cheating here. This post was published yesterday to celebrate the beginning of Spring and I'm back today editing it for Show & Tell. Does that disqualify me?

A few weeks ago I showed off my magnolias, the very first blooms in my garden hinting that Spring was near. Well, Spring is now here in all its beauty, having Mother Nature created a piece of heaven in my garden. I look around and I see perfection. All of nature's elements in perfect harmony. The colours, the scents the sounds are my source of inspiration.

Here we have jasmine creeping along the porch. My husband says I need to trim it otherwise it will be inside the house pretty soon. It's a pity I can't capture its scent in this photo. It is said that the jasmine fragrance is associated wth inner feelings, purifying the emotions and relieving melancholy.

All I have been is pollen dusted,
oh the wisteria sweet
kissing deep,
till I feel the promise of fertile,
drooping fat on a vine
petals that promise nothing,
but hint at all.
(Wisteria Woman by Lisa Shields)

My wisteria was the very first flower to be planted in my garden. I was lying underneath this lilac canopy to take the photo while bees were buzzing away around my head, kind of telling me to get lost.

I don't know what these are called but they have an extra-special place in my heart. My mother brought these cuttings from my grandmother's garden when I moved into this house. My grandmother passed away many years ago but I have some wonderful childhood memories of summers spent in Portugal with her. She passed on to all of us her love for nature.

As you've probably guessed , hues of purple are predominant in my garden. My little guy loves this flower and he is the one that tends to this strip of the garden. I'm so pleased that he shares my passion for all life forms in our garden.

This is my piece of heaven. With these colours, sounds & scents I could not wish for more.

To see what the rest of the class is showing and telling, check out Mel's Show & Tell.

World Poetry Day

2009-03-21T15:24:00.003Z

Words

They are like a crystal,
words.
Some a dagger,
some a blaze.
Others,
merely dew.

Secret they come, full of memory.
Insecurely they sail:
cockleboats or kisses,
the waters trembling.

Abandoned, innocent,
weightless.
They are woven of light.
They are the night.
And even pallid
they recall green paradise.

Who hears them? Who
gathers them, thus,
cruel, shapeless,
in their pure shells?

Eugénio de Andrade

On dreams - The Book of Disquietude

2009-03-20T23:55:00.009Z

Although I'm passionate about reading, I rarely get attached to books. I much rather see them going from hand to hand than covered in dust on a bookshelf. So, in our household books are always pased on to somebody else once they've been read. Sometimes they're returned, sometimes they aren't. That doesn't really bother me. Except for this one book. You know I'm badly in need of a holiday when I get out the Book of Disquietude. It's a clear sign that I'm stressed out, overworked and unable to juggle the various components of my life. Here I am supposed to be writing my infertility story to be used as basis for a workshop a psychologist friend of mine is giving next week, but instead the Book of Disquietude is here by my side tempting me with its disturbing truths.

There's a part of me that I rarely share with others. Just as I was reaching the end of the line on my infertility journey, I completely lost my ability to dream. I woke up one day from surgery wishing I could just drift back into a deep sleep, one which would prevent me from ever dreaming again. That's quite a frightening feeling as dreams are for me just as essential to survival as the very air we breathe. Fernando Pessoa, in the Book of Disquietude, speaks of two kind of dreamers. Those who dream the impossible, and spend their lives in a deep sleep, and those who dream the possible, and are awake to life. I could be neither for dreams were my traitors. That set me out on a parallel quest to recover a side of me that was completely numb. This was an incredible journey into the deep meanders of my soul. For this reason, I'm constantly searching with a hawk's eyes every single passage on dreams in the Book of Disquietude.

And to get this out of my system and to be able to get back to work, I wish to share with you one such passage on dreams, found randomly when leafing through the book just now:

"I ask myself who you are, you this figure who traverses all my languid visions of unknown landscapes and ancient interiors and splendid pageants of silence. In all of my dreams you appear, in dream form, or you accompany me as a false reality. With you I visit regions that are perhaps dreams of yours, lands that are perhaps your bodies of absence and inhumanity, your essential body dissolved into the shape of a tranquil plain and a stark hill on the grounds of some secret place. Perhaps I have no dream but you. Perhaps it is in your eyes, when my face leans into yours, that I read these impossible landscapes, these unreal tediums, these feelings that inhabit the shadows of my weariness and the caves of my disquiet. Perhaps the landscapes of my dreams are my way of not dreaming about you. How do I know that you’re not a part of me, perhaps the real and essential part? And how do I know it’s not I who am the dream and you the reality, I who am your dream instead of you being mine?"

The Book of Disquietude, Fernando Pessoa

All's well that ends well

2009-03-19T22:03:00.008Z

But what a f****ing mess in between! Our school website crashed and I had to sort it out with the little resources available & sending out a million mayday calls. Believe me it wan't a pretty picture. And I'm too old for this type of thing.

However, I did experience a truly magical moment that made up for the shitty day. Life's little surprises.

And here's goes the perfect bedtime read:

APFertilidade celebra o Dia do Pai com...

2009-03-18T10:24:00.003Z

"Para assinalar o Dia do Pai, a 19 de Março, a Associação Portuguesa de Fertilidade lança um site inédito e pioneiro em Portugal, acessível no endereço www.queroserpai.com. Este site é dirigido a todos os homens que gostariam de ser pais e que até ao momento se viram impossibilitados de concretizar este desejo. Ao acedê-lo, o futuro pai poderá expressar o que diria ao seu filho, para tal, terá apenas de responder a um questionário cujo objectivo será o de avaliar a realidade portuguesa e as circunstâncias deste desígnio. Conscientes de que o filho que habita o projecto de vida de cada um destes homens expressa simultaneamente um desejo pessoal e um tributo ao nosso futuro colectivo, a APF pretende assim levar a cabo a maior sondagem de sempre realizada a nível nacional dedicada a esta temática e cujos resultados alcançados serão devidamente divulgados em data a definir." APFertilidade

Wednesday Words

2009-03-18T09:07:00.003Z

"Replace yourself continuously. You are not enough for yourself. Be always unpredictable, even to yourself. Let yourself happen before your very eyes. Let your sensations be like chance events, adventures you stumbled into..."

The Selected Prose of Fernando Pessoa, translated by Richard Zenith

A stroll in the park

2009-03-16T22:03:00.006Z

the park

... enjoying this amazing Spring weather. Actually, more like summer weather with a high of 28ºC (82.4ºF, according to the converter). I stopped by my favourite bookshop to get something to read while sitting under one of the beautiful linden trees in the city centre & couldn't resist Sylvia Plath's poetry. Ok, not the merriest of poets for a day like today, but for some strange reason I'm always drawn to people with a dark side, which is quite a contrast with my own "joie de vivre".

the bookshop

I couldn't concentrate on the poetry, too many sounds, sights & scents to distract me. And ended up drifting into my own thoughts, some of the very same ones that keep me awake at night. How I wish I could be a poet to use words to unburden my soul.

Another beautiful day awaits me tomorrow, and so does another stroll in the park.

Show & Tell - And a year later...

2009-03-15T18:00:00.004Z

...I'm still around in the blogosphere. Who would have thought? Those who know me well enough must find it strange that I've stuck to this blog for a whole year, albeit on & off, but still hanging in there. Journaling is really not my kind of thing.

"We read to know we are not alone"
C.S. Lewis

Infertility was the loneliest and most painful journey of life and only after conquering it did I realise how many other travellers there were out there. Thanks to Mel at Stirrup's, I have discovered that I am not alone, that others have walked or are walking the IF Camino. My blog has been the vehicle used to navigate the land of IF. I reached my destination 8 years ago, with the birth of the little guy, but the walk continues so that others may know that they are not alone.

Some say that infertility makes you a better person. I don't know about that. But if I am a better person, it is probably from reading all those amazing ALI blogs, - my source of inspiration, with so many lessons learnt. I am honoured to be part of this community.

My little guy insisted on adding this picture to the post. I couldn't refuse the request as he was the photographer today.

To see what the rest of the class is showing and telling, check out Mel's Show & Tell.

Saturday night swaying to...

2009-03-14T23:01:00.001Z

C'est moi....

2009-03-14T18:11:00.007Z

...the damsel under stress. Changed the header to suit the state I'm in. Lack of sleep is taking a toll on my life. Damn! I should be enjoying the sunshine, training for the camino or getting all dolled up for a night on the town. But instead I'm here worrying about whether or not I'm going to get some sleep tonight. To top it all off the little guy's sick, with a temperature, so I had to miss the grand opening of the headquarters of our Association. So there you go. I'm depressed! In distress! And most certainly under stress!

Things that make you go hmm...

2009-03-12T09:09:00.006Z

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Excalibur

2009-03-11T23:10:00.005Z

Treacherous heel gets stuck in the grooves of cobbled stoned sidewalk. Many gentlemen came to rescue this damsel in distress. But only one was able to pull the shoe out! And behold.... Excalibur! That should teach this lady to learn how to walk properly in them first.

Please let me sleep

2009-03-10T23:43:00.005Z

These bouts of insomnia are freaking me out. I'm now starting to fret way before bedtime. So, you know how it goes, the more you worry about it, the worse it gets. Just had a long hot bath with aromatherapy and the works. Tried to get rid of all those thoughts that have been making their way into my head. But I'm still not too confident about tonight's beauty sleep. I'm 40 and can't afford those dark circles under my eyes, plus I need the energy for a heavy workload tomorrow. Let's see if those sheep do the trick.

Moons, junes & tunes

2009-03-10T10:09:00.004Z

Couldn't sleep last night. Bad case of insomnia. Too old to count sheep, so I sing tunes in my head instead. Not the best remedy if you can't remember song lyrics, as so often happens at my age. Frustration sets in & then sure enough there is no way you're going to fall asleep.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evreywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
(???)

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
(???)

I'm going back to counting sheep tonight!!!! I deal badly with sleep deprivation.

Secrets, Tunes & Sunday Blooms

2009-03-08T19:46:00.009Z

I am so fascinated by secrets. Up until a few years ago, when I had plenty more time to spare, I used play a little game to entertain myself while leisurely drinking my coffee in some corner café. I loved observing people, trying to imagine what dark secrets they might be hiding. Nowadays, due to lack of time, I check out PostSecrets every Sunday to feed my passsion for secrets. I have to admit some of them are quite creepy.

PostSecret

I am certainly not the best person to share a secret with. As soon as someone tells me some story and adds that line at the end "but it's a secret" I feel like screaming. That is precisely the wrong thing to say to someone like me, because it triggers a not-so-nice side of me that now just wants to share the damn secret with the whole world. If you want it to be secret then don't mention the "s" word. That's the only way to guarantee that your secret will be kept safe with me.

I wish I had a secret side just to add a "je ne sai quois" to my life, spicing it up with a touch of mystery. But no! I'm just plain boring because my life is an open book. You'll find everything there is to know about me in the first 5 minutes we meet, you'll probably get my life story, my infertility history and I will most certainly bore you with my tales of motherhood. However, today I do have a secret. And because I'll burst if I don't share it with someone, here it goes. My internet connection wasn't working this morning and I completely freaked out. (I immediately realised it was because I'd forgotten to pay my phone bill) So, I talked my guys into a trip to the mall. There I sent them to the arcade and went rushing to the FNAC, where I purchased a mobile ADSL USB stick (is that what they're called?), hid it in my purse and went rushing back to the guys, quite nonchalantly, hoping they hadn't picked up on anything. So there you go, that's probabaly the only secret in my life right now.

Leonard Cohen springs to mind when I think about secrets. "In My Secret Life" is without a doubt one of my all time favourite tunes. I get this funny feeling inside everytime I hear it and goosebumps all over. I just can't explain the reaction it provokes in me. I really wanted to post the original video, but embedding wasn't enabled. But follow this link to see it.

Repeatedly in Cohen's writings we find metaphors of a soldier fighting against the rival force. I think that's one of the features that draws me to him...the battle, the struggle, the fight!

Hold on, hold on, my brother
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I'll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

And to finish off these Sunday musings, we were blessed with glorious spring weather this weekend. I spent the afternoon slaving away in my garden, while listening to Mr LC, and mowing the lawn. Every inch of my body is aching and I'll certainly need a long soak in a bubbly bath tonight. I leave you with some blooms from my garden and wish you a wonderful week.

Show & Tell: Kyoden Tenugui

2009-03-08T16:55:00.002Z

A friend of mine just got back from Japan and brought me back this beautiful Kyoden Tenugui, which I've already framed and is hanging on the wall of my study. My friend took the picture above to explain the print on my tenugi (click on the picture to read), as he knows how passionate I am about theatre.

Along with this tenugui, I've ordered a wonderful book (recommended by my friend) that I can't wait to read. Unfortunately, no time right now, so I'm leaving it for the Easter break when I'll be able to really enjoy it.

http://harvardpress.typepad.com/hup_publicity/2007/01/manga_from_the_.html

To see what the rest of the class is showing and telling, check out Mel's Show & Tell.

Thoughts on Camiño de Santiago & Infertility

2009-02-28T15:10:00.006Z

Can you find the similarities?

Another journey awaits me...

Would you? Could you? At 40?

2009-02-27T23:31:00.003Z

Santiago de Compostela

...do the Pilgrim's Trail of Santiago? I'm going! Not for religious purposes (I don't even think there's a religious bone in my body), but just because it's one of those things I've always dreamed of doing. Let's see if this old gal will survive the 200km-6-day walk to Santiago de Compostela. Does that sound crazy enough to you?

Follow this symbol all the way to Santiago de Compostela

"Ten centuries ago, a pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela entailed an arduous preparation. The pilgrim-to-be had to put things in order at home, write his last will, procure money for his gear and lodging, and obtain from his priest a certificate of good faith. Similarly, today a pilgrim needs what is called in Spain a credencial, a letter of accreditation delivered by the many Associations of the Friends of Saint James, found all over the world, which gives access to private or religious lodging for a minimal sum.
The Medieval pilgrim’s outfit consisted of a wide-brimmed hat; a long walking stick (bourdon) made of strong wood with an iron end, useful in fending off wolves and dogs; and a leather pouch slung over the shoulder to hold the small amount of food it was practical to carry."

Going Back to Georgia (no! going back to work)

2009-02-25T22:44:00.003Z

It's back to work tomorrow after a very short Carnival break. I'm in a suprisingly good mood considering. Must be the beautiful spring weather. And to finish off the holidays, here's one of the most beautiful folk voices singing one of my favourite feel-good songs.

To wear or not to wear?

2009-02-25T18:36:00.007Z

There is one thing that really drives the little guy crazy. He's not able to understand or accept his mom's stubborness when it comes to wearing a wedding ring. My refusal to wear one is just beyond his grasp. Maybe because I've never given him a proper explanation. Fact of the matter is I don't like them. My husband took his off right after the wedding cerimony, 19 years ago, which was perfectly ok with me. And I wore mine on and off for 12 years (mostly off) and my pregnancy was the perfect excuse to take it off for good. "But why, mommy?" he keeps nagging me. Just because! It's not that I mind wearing jewellery. After all I'm a gal! I just hate conventional notions that if you're married you have to wear a wedding band. I guess I still like the idea of keeping the rebel inside of me alive. But it also bothers me that it might cause my son some heartache. So, what do I do? Wear it for the sake of my son's happiness? Would my stubborn refusal cause some unnecessary trauma? Or just stick to the fact that I don't want to wear something just because people think I have to.

I welcome your words of wisdom.

Carnival

2009-02-24T21:03:00.011Z

We just got back home from celebrating Carnival at my parents' place (on the Spanish border), where we were greeted by a glorious spring day. The weather was as close to perfect as I could imagine. The little guy had a grand time dressing up as the "Mystery Musketeer". He had his heart set on being Zorro this year but we couldn't find a costume his size. Well, that's a lie. Truth is we couldn't find a cheap Zorro costume his size. I knew a local shop was having a clearance sale on costumes and told him that it was the only place in town where we could get the outfit. They were on sale for just 2€!!! No Zorro, so we settled on a musketeer costume instead. But to make up for my fib I got him a black cowboy hat and a Zorro mask, thus the Mystery Musketeer. I think he looked really cute and deserves an oscar for his performance today. We hit the medieval streets of my parents' town for the photo shoot. Hope you enjoy!

The grand entrance... (oops! no horse!)

Up to the castle to save the princess!

Fear not! I'll protect you, my lady.

Show & Tell

2009-02-22T19:13:00.008Z

Today I've decided to show off my magnolias. This tree has an extra-special meaning for me. It was planted around the time I was doing IVF #3 that would lead to the birth of my little guy. We had just moved into the new house and I had my heart set on getting a magnolia tree. But everyone kept telling me how delicate they were and that it wasn't the best time of year for planting them. But turning a deaf ear to all the green-thumb counselling, I went ahead with the plan and came home one day with a wee plant, that I nourished and cared for. Around that same time, I also came home one day with a wee life form that had been planted inside my womb. Both have grown and blossomed into masterpieces that fill my life with beauty and love.

I'd like to offer each one of my blogger friends a (virtual) flower from my tree as a symbol of my appreciation for their patience during my disappearing acts. I feel like the prodigal daughter returning home. It was a difficult month and much has happened that caused me some grief, but I'll post about that at a later date. Thank you for still being out there.

To see what the rest of the class is showing and telling, check out Mel's Show & Tell.

PS: That creeping plant by the stairs is my beautiful jasmine, which has just started budding. In no time the beautiful scent will invade our house, followed by the wisteria, which is on the other side.

...................................................................................................................................................................

Aos meus leitores portugueses,

Eis a minha magnólia que anuncia com as suas lindas flores a chegada da primavera. Esta árvore foi plantada durante a minha última FIV. Na mesma altura em que cheguei a casa com a árvore ainda bebé, uma outra vida era plantada no meu ventre. Ambas floresceram enchendo a minha vida de beleza, fazendo o meu coração transbordar de amor. A minha magnólia, que foi plantada fora de época, e o meu Zezé, que nasceu quando já não acreditava em milagres, são a prova viva de que a vida é sempre capaz de nos surpreender. Vai uma flor para cada uma de vós.

You are my sister

2009-01-18T21:59:00.006Z

You are My Sister - Antony and the Johnsons (with Boy George)

You are my sister, we were born
So innocent, so full of need
There were times we were friends but times I was so cruel
Each night I'd ask for you to watch me as I sleep
I was so afraid of the night
You seemed to move through the places that I feared
You lived inside my world so softly
Protected only by the kindness of your nature
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
We felt so differently then
So similar over the years
The way we laugh the way we experience pain
So many memories
But there's nothing left to gain from remembering
Faces and worlds that no one else will ever know
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
I want this for you
They're gonna come true (gonna come true)

Antony and the Johnsons will be playing here in town on the 16th of May. I'll be there!

I dedicate this song to all my IF sisters. / Dedico esta canção a todas as minhas "irmãs" que lutam contra a infertilidade. Que todos os vossos sonhos se realizem.

A viagem do caracol

2009-01-17T20:34:00.009Z

Um caracol que vivia num palácio de folhas tinha um grande sonho: fazer uma viagem à volta do mundo. Mas tinha um problema porque tinha medo de voar e ficou muito triste. Mas depressa voltou a sorrir quando se lembrou da amiga baleia. Foi ter com ela e perguntou:

- Ó amiga baleia, ajudas-me a atravessar o mar?

- Sim! Partimos já amanhã - disse a baleia.

Anoiteceu e o caracol e a baleia foram para a cama. Quando o despertador tocou, o caracol e a baleia foram dar a volta ao mundo.

Autor: Zezé

Moral da história: Com a ajuda dos amigos sentimo-nos capazes de ultrapassar os obstáculos e seguimos em frente na concretização dos nossos sonhos.

Sunday singing...

2009-01-11T15:07:00.005Z

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon (with drummer Steve Gadd)

...while doing some chores around the house. My cleaning lady didn't show up this week. Great! What with working Saturday mornings, having to do laundry & grocery shopping and now tidying up a very messy house, there goes the weekend. So, I've been waltzing around the house singing my little heart away. The little guy thinks I'm bonkers and has already let me know that I would be an embarrassment to him if any of his buddies saw me in this state. Chill out, old man! Moms are entitled to let their hair down every once and a while.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

How can you not sing to this? A classic! I think I'm going to get the little guy to sing along with me.

Está frio lá fora...

2009-01-06T22:23:00.003Z

...mas eu não me queixo. Traz-me boas recordações do inverno no Canadá. Aliás, isto não é frio para os canadianos. Lembro-me de Invernos em Toronto em que a temperatura descia aos -30ºC, mas mesmo isso não nos impedia de brincar lá fora nos recreios da escola. Só faltava a neve branquinha para completar o cenário.

Hoje o telefone tocou. A voz soava-me conhecida mas não a conseguia associar a um nome. Veio a notícia: ela perdera o bebé depois duma curta gravidez. Sinto um aperto no coração. A FIV que fizera antes do Natal tinha-lhe trazido uma enorme alegria e agora fica o vazio. Sinto um arrepio, mas não de frio.

Isn't this so cute?

2009-01-06T22:09:00.008Z

As I told you in a post, the little guy is in love. At first I thought it was so sweet. But now I'm getting kind of nervous. Check out this article in yesterday's Guardian.

German lovers - aged six and five - try to elope to Africa
It is a dream that has been shared by lovers across the centuries – the chance to elope to exotic lands. But few would have been as bold and spontaneous as six-year-old Mika and his five-year-old sweetheart Anna-Bell who, after mulling over their options in secret, packed their suitcases on New Year's Eve and set off from the German city of Hanover to tie the knot under the heat of the African sun.
The children left their homes at dawn while their unwitting parents were apparently sleeping, and took along Mika's seven-year-old sister, Anna-Lena, as a witness to the wedding.
Donning sunglasses, swimming armbands and dragging a pink blow-up lilo and suitcases on wheels packed with summer clothes, cuddly toys and a few provisions, they walked a kilometre up the road, boarded a tram to Hanover train station and got as far as the express train that would take them to the airport before a suspicious station guard alerted police.
"What struck us was that the little ones were completely on their own and that they had lots of swimming gear with them," said Holger Jureczko, a police spokesman. He described Mika and Anna-Bell as "sweethearts" who had "decided to get married in Africa where it is warm, taking with them as a witness Mika's sister".
Anna-Bell told the German television station RTL: "We wanted to get married and so we just thought: 'Let's go there.' "
Mika said: "We wanted to take the train to the airport, then we wanted to get on a plane and when we arrived we wanted to unpack the summer things and then we wanted to go for a bit of a stroll in the sun."
Mika and Anna-Lena's mother, who was not identified, said she had known nothing of her children's plan. "I'm still in a state of shock. I thought 'I'm playing a part in a bad movie.' When we realised the kids were missing we went looking for them." But only when the police called did they realise what had happened.
Asked why they failed to let their parents know, the children said they thought they would not be gone for long.
Mika told police he instigated the plan having been inspired by a winter holiday with his family in Italy. "Based on this the children began to make plans for the future," Jureczko said.
To allay their disappointment at being caught, Hanover police gave them a tour of the police headquarters. Jureczko said: "They'll have the chance to put their plan into action at a later date".
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/05/german-children-elope-mika-annabel

Do you remember your first love? I do! His name was Johnny and we were in senior kindergarten together. We used to put our boots side by side and walk hand in hand everywhere we went. I still wonder whatever happened to him.

Monday Memory

2009-01-05T10:58:00.002Z

One of the things I miss most here in Portugal is Tim Hortons. I think I'm going to close my eyes for a second and imagine I'm in "Tim-Hortons heaven", sinking my teeth into a honey-glazed donut or a raison bran muffin, sipping hot coffee made from premium blend of 100% Arabica beans (yeah, that's what they all say!).

Post-holiday blues...

2009-01-04T20:37:00.005Z

...which have just kicked in. The only reason why I hate holidays is because I get so depressed towards the end. It's back to work tomorrow and back to the old routine. The little guy is all excited about seeing his buddies again, while big guy and I are moaning about having to set the alarm clock for 7am. Although I managed to keep myself quite busy over the holidays, not as busy as I had planned, I really enjoyed not having a timetable and just doing stuff whenever I wanted. And to cheer myself up tomorrow I'm finally going to hit the sales during my lunch break.

A teoria da (des)organização

2009-01-04T15:28:00.011Z

Adorei ler um artigo publicado no NYTimes e amavelmente traduzido pelo Marco no nosso fórum. Quando o li fez-me lembrar a minha própria infância quando ansiava tanto por um bocadinho de mistério para subverter uma vida tão bem organizada, graças aos pais maravilhosos que tenho. Quantas vezes não fantasiava com a ideia se teria sido adoptado. Estava mais do que visto que não era o caso porque sou a cara chapada do meu pai. Mas a ideia de ter umas origens misteriosas seduzia-me e invadia frequentemente o meu imaginário infantil. Inventava mil e uma histórias nesta cabecinha, muitas delas inspiradas nos contos infantis que o meu pai me lia antes de me deitar.

A minha grande amiga de infância e eu éramos inseparáveis. O nosso maior sonho era sermos irmãs. Para isto também contribuía o facto de ambas sermos filhas únicas. Na nossa ingenuidade infantil, um dia resolvemos que tínhamos que ser mesmo irmãs e espalhamos uma história pelo nosso bairro que um dos meus pais teria tido um caso com um dos pais dela e assim uma de nós era fruto do pecado. Grande bronca que esta história deu, como podem calcular, mas na altura não conseguíamos entender porque é que os adultos se zangaram tanto connosco. Apenas queríamos ser irmãs; apenas queríamos desorganizar um bocadinho as nossas vidas tão bem organizadas pelos nossos pais.

Ora, eu acho que isto tem muito a ver também com o facto de eu detestar organização e rotina. Odeio ver tudo arrumado no seu cantinho. Basta ver a minha casa ou o meu gabinete na escola para perceberem que a desorganização reina por onde eu passo. Até o destino me ajudou nesse sentido ao desorganizar o meu sonho de maternidade. E detesto quando as coisas ou as pessoas são previsíveis. Acaba com o prazer de tentar adivinhar o que vem a seguir.

Voltando ao início, as minhas origens não estiveram envoltas no mistério que eu tanto desejava para apimentar um bocadinho a minha vida. Talvez por isso agrada-me poder trazer um bocadinho de cor para as origens do meu filho quando lhe falo da forma como foi gerado, diferente de todos os seus amiguinhos. Eu acho que ele "herdou" esse meu gosto pela desorganização. Ela adora aquela história de encantar sobre o ovinho da mamã e a semente do papá que se juntaram num frasquinho com a ajuda da "varinha mágica" da médica. Ele gosta de ser diferente dos outros. Mas eu acho que o que ele gosta mesmo é de saber que as coisas também se organizam no meio da desorganização.

A língua de Camões...

2009-01-04T00:27:00.003Z

...não é o meu forte, por isso uso apenas a minha língua mãe neste cantinho. Oferece-me a segurança necessária para me deixar navegar livremente pelos meus pensamentos. Mas como sei que há muitas pessoas portuguesas que me visitam e muito timidamente se vão embora sem deixar um comentário, resolvi deixar de lado as minhas inseguranças com o dito "bom português" e aqui vou eu iniciar novas navegações na língua que é dos meus pais e também minha. Peço que perdoem então os atropelos que vou dando em tão nobre língua.

Às minhas meninas e aos meus meninos (sim, porque também os há) da minha família APFertilidade que eu tanto adoro, deixo-vos o convite de entrarem porta adentro neste meu cantinho que também será vosso.

Como sempre termino os meus posts no nosso outro cantinho...

Beijinhos,
Anna

To my English-speaking readers,
I've decided make this into a bilingual blog from now on out of respect for so many Portuguese readers that make there way here from my association. Multiculturalism - here we go! Thanks for understanding.

Show and Tell: The Mona Lisa Smile

2009-01-03T22:32:00.001Z

One of the great mysteries of my life: how I managed to smile in this picture. And it's not a fake smile, it really is the genuine thing. And it really looks like I'm happy here, doesn't it? Well, this was taken 8 years ago on a trip home to Canada during one of the most painful times of my life. I had lost my second tube after another ectopic pregnancy (loss #4) and I was getting ready for IVF #3, my last shot at pregnancy before closing that chapter of my life. It wasn't a time when I had much to smile about. To be honest, I spent most of the time crying that year. All my hope was lost and I was starting to face the fact that there was a childless future in store for me. Life works in mysterious ways. Little did I know that I would actually have a lot to smile about.

This was taken in Niagara Falls, with the falls in the background, and we were on our way to the casino where I actually made quite a bit of money. The gorgeous hunk on the right is my husband (and the world's worst cook) and the hunk on the left is my sweet uncle Armie who I absolutely adore and is a wonderful cook. My uncle surprised me by inviting a group of my closest friends to join us on that weekend trip. He's such a wonderful person and he went out of his way to make sure I did a lot of smiling that summer. I think he actually saved my life! Believe me, it wasn't a time when I felt I had much to live for.

BTW, it's a scanned photo so not great quality. But it's the smile that counts.

To see what the rest of the class is showing and telling, check out Mel's Show & Tell.

Chocolate chip temptation (or damnation)

2009-01-02T19:32:00.007Z

No, I did not go shopping! No, I did not get a manicure! Instead I slept in this morning, something I hadn't done in ages. It felt so good staying in bed on a rainy morning. And my guys were so sweet. The little one usually calls for me first thing when he wakes up, but today he was quiet as mouse. He got dressed, unfortunately didn't manage the matching socks (boys!), sorted out his own breakfast and went off to TV-land. I think that's why he didn't wake me, I'm always nagging about him watching too much TV. The big guy also made sure he didn't wake me this morning, but I smell a rat here. Was that his way of keeping me from using my much loved credit cards? But, no, I prefer to believe that they did out of love for me! (yeah right!)

But I did buy something. CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! Ok, I've been found out! That is my weak spot! I woke up with an incredible craving for chocolate chip cookies. (No, I'm not pregnant. No tubes, remember?) I thought I was going to die this morning if I didn't sink my teeth into the most delicious mouthwatering cookies on the face of the planet. I'm so embarrassed about this addiction of mine. Normally, I avoid buying them because they bring out the worst in me. Can you believe I actually hide them from my son!?! Oh, the shame! And I sometimes have a pack stashed away in my desk drawer so nobody can find them. What an awful mom I am, you say! I know, I know!

I could have gone shopping in the afternoon, but after stuffing my face with cookies I didn't have the heart to try new clothes on. It just wasn't right. So, it's time for redemption right now. No more chocolate chip cookies!!!! And no shopping until I've burnt off today's calories.

Shopping spree...

2009-01-01T23:42:00.005Z

Tomorrow I'm hitting the sales! And no, I'm not buying anything for the guys...I'm finally going to treat myself to some goodies. Let's face it, I'm 40 now and I have to make the most of my figure before the curves go. Wish the sales would include a new pair of boobs (I really worry about them pointing south) but no such luck. The big guy gets really worried when he sees the twinkle in my eye around this time of year. And I hope he hasn't already raided my purse to remove all the credit cards. So, tomorrow they won't have me around to slave over a hot stove (a bit of exaggeration here) as I will have the day all to myself to get all dolled up. And I hope I still have a bit of time left over from the shopping spree to go for a manicure. Oh the joys of being a gal!

For Auld Lang Syne

2008-12-31T14:37:00.004Z

Well, it's nearly time to say farewell to 2008. I can't complain, it was quite a good year for us here at home. There are a few things that we could have done without, but considering what others have gone through, I admit that we have been quite provileged. So, I hope we have the same to look forward to in 2009.

The old man and myself are not party animals any longer (feels like a lifetime ago when we actually were) and the little guy is still way too young for any late night folly, so off with us to the mountains for a quiet family celebration with my parents.

And if you want to follow a Portuguese tradition, get out those raisons! For each gong of the clock at midnight, people here pop a raison into their mouths. Twelve raisons symbolise good luck for each month of the New Year.

A very happy New Year to all of you out there in the blogosphere! A year filled with dreams-come-true to all my IF sisters/brothers, specially those who are part of my Association. My New Year's wish goes out to them.

Things that make you go hmm...

2008-12-30T17:58:00.006Z

I read this post in the Science Blog of the Guardian today. Although I had a Catholic upbringing and I've chosen to send my son to a Catholic school, there are so many many things that send me into a rage. Just to name a few, birth control, condoms & AIDS, abortion and now the Vatican's views on the use of Reproductive Medicine. So, according to them the little guy here is the fruit of sin being the IVF-child that he is. Come on, your holiness, surely if you could just take one look at him or any other IVF child for that matter, you would have to agree that children are, regardless of their conception, nothing less than beauty, sweetness and purity. Just ask the old man upstairs. And speaking of conception, here goes the post I was telling you about:

Immaculate conception would be more plausible if the Virgin Mary was a man

Could testicular feminisation offer an explanation for the mystery of Jesus Christ's virgin birth, wonders Aarathi Prasad

What would it be like if women could have babies on their own? As a single mother, I thought it would be fabulous to have the option of another child without first having to find the right man. You can hear my investigation of the science of virgin birth on New Year's Day on BBC Radio 4.
I went to Catholic schools as a child, and so spent many years with the nuns contemplating the miracle of the Virgin Mary's immaculate conception. Hers is the best known story of a virgin birth in the world, but it is by no means the only one. From the mothers of Buddha to Genghis Khan, most cultures tell the tale of a maiden untouched by man who gives birth.
In the 3rd century AD, the influential Greek church father Origen dismissed the legend of the immaculate conception of Plato, but worked hard to promote Mary's virginity:
There is a certain female animal which has no intercourse with the male (as writers on animals say is the case with vultures), and that this animal, without sexual intercourse, preserves the succession of the race. What incredibility, therefore, is there in supposing that, if God wished to send a divine teacher to the human race, He caused Him to be born in some manner different from the common!"
As far as we know, vultures don't have virgin births – that observation may have had something to do with the fact that in some species of vulture, males and females are tricky to tell apart. However, what science told us back in 1984 was that human females certainly could never have a natural virgin birth, because of a genetic barrier in mammals called imprinting.
So Origen was right – if Jesus was going to have a human mother but no human father, there had to be something rather interesting going on. But what?
Sam Berry, emeritus professor of genetics at University College London, explained to me what he calls the biological "implausible possibilities" for how Mary could have given birth to a son while remaining a virgin.
The keen reader will have spotted two biological roadblocks: the lack of a father, and the fact that Jesus was male. While Mary should not have been able to sire a son through a virgin birth, your Christmas turkey could – at least in theory.
In humans, a virgin birth would mean that a woman's eggs develop successfully without sperm. This presents a sex chromosome problem. In mammals, females are XX while males are XY so a woman should never be able to provide the necessary Y chromosome genes to produce a son. They can only come from a father.
In turkeys, sex determination is different. Females have Z and W chromosomes, while males are ZZ. So mother turkeys do have the genetic stuff for making males, although there may be other barriers to a "virgin birth".
That's fine for turkeys, but is there any earthly way Mary could have done it? One possibility, according to Prof Berry, is that Mary may have had a condition called testicular feminisation. Women with this condition have an X and a Y chromosome like a man, but their X chromosome carries a mutation that makes their bodies insensitive to testosterone. This leads to their developing as a female.
Genetically male, and probably sporting ambiguous genitals, Mary would have been sterile. But had she become pregnant spontaneously, her child could have inherited an intact Y chromosome.
To stop him developing as a female, like his mother, Jesus would have needed what geneticists call a "back mutation" – a highly unlikely reverse of the X chromosome glitch that caused the testicular feminisation in the first place. Other possibilities to explain the virgin birth include Mary being a genetic mosaic, formed from twins that fused into one body while maintaining chromosomes from both, Y and all.
You could be forgiven for thinking that the scientific possibilities are no more plausible than a miracle. If there needs to be a rational explanation for the stories generated around Jesus' birth, we are perhaps more likely to find it in a Biblical mistranslation or even subterfuge by Mary herself.

Still, when it comes to having babies without males, the hand of God now seems redundant. Zoologists have long known that there are many species that can reproduce without sex, and have now started to discover that it can also happen in the most unexpected places. In the last five years the list of virgin mothers has expanded to include a python, hammerhead sharks, blacktip sharks, and Komodo dragons. As the British zookeeper who discovered virgin births in Komodos put it, rather like buses, you wait ages and then loads of them come along all at once.

Similar things are now happening in the laboratory, with scientists creating healthy, fertile mice with no fathers. The fact that they were able to make such animals means that we can now get over the genetic barriers to a mammalian virgin birth – in mice at least. Who knows, one day a virgin birth in humans may not be so implausible after all.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2008/dec/30/virgin-birth-mary

Don't you love complaining?

2008-12-29T23:34:00.005Z

My internet connection was so incredibly slow this past week it was driving me up the wall. I felt like getting out my baseball bat and smashing the computer to bits! I cursed so much that my son was asking me what certain words meant (his English doesn't include swear words yet). I thought it had to do with the holiday season, but couldn't logically make out why the internet would slow down at Xmas. So, today I decided to phone up the internet provider I'm hooked up with and give the poor guy on the other end of the line a piece of my mind. It wasn't a pleasant scene, I tell you. I followed it up with an email, one of those that end in "you better fix this fast, or else...". Tony Soprano would have been proud of me. Well, the guy on the phone said they were going to see what they could do and I never got a reply to the email. But guess what? My internet connection is back to normal. Oh the joy!!!! Best belated Xmas gift I could get.

The funny thing here in Portugal is that bitching about things is second nature to people, but actually doing something about it is a whole other ball game. Like friends of mine who will go on and on about the crappy service in a certain shop, but would never actually tell the shop assistant that they weren't satisfied with the service. The same goes when it comes to medical issues. I get so annoyed when people use our discussion board in the Association to speak badly of certain doctors, and with valid complaints, but would never ever consider confronting these professionals with their complaints. That for me is cheating.

Anyhow, I feel good! Mission accomplished!

Hummm...it's taking a bit long to upload the image. Shit!

Mama Afrika

2008-12-28T16:05:00.011Z

The world has lost many great musicians this year, but for me Miriam Makeba was so much more than just a singer. A civil rights activist, she fought hard against apartheid, testifying before the United Nations back in 1963. My blog was temporarily closed down when she passed away, so here goes my tribute to this remarkable woman now.

Probably most famous for "Pata Pat a", which just makes you want to get up and move those hips (not that easy at 40, tho), I absolutely love her cover of Jorge Ben Jor's "Chove Chuva". Isn't it divine?

And they called it puppy love...

2008-12-26T13:02:00.003Z

The little guy confessed to me last night that he has a crush on a little girl in his class. I was so surprised when he told me as I was tucking him in last night. His face went bright red as he stared down at his hands. My first reaction was to hug him tight as if to stop any little girl from stealing him away from me. But I decided, instead, not to make a fuss about it because I didn't want to add to the embarrassment. It's not not easy telling a mom about these things. I feel a rite of passsage here. He definitely doesn't believe in Santa anymore, I could tell from his reaction in the morning when he opened his presents. He found it odd that "Santa" used the same wrapping paper I did. Smart one, Raggedy Ann. And now the revelation that my little boy is in love. Time just flies! Pretty soon he'll be asking for the car keys!

Season's Greetings

2008-12-24T00:19:00.010Z

May you find under your tree dreams come true wrapped up in life's many beautiful colours!

Monday Memory

2008-12-22T21:53:00.006Z

Girls' section, McCormick Recreation Centre

c. 1915

OMG! I can't believe my eyes! This is a photo of the park right across the street from the house where I lived as a little girl. Come to think of it, I think I lived in the park and occasionally went home.

Comedy and tragedy walking hand in hand at Xmas

2008-12-22T18:28:00.008Z

The antithesis of traditional Xmas ballads, A Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis, in the bourbon-soaked voice of Tom Waits, is my all-time favourite. It makes me laugh and want to cry at the same time. And it pretty much sums up how I feel around this "jolly" season.

A few weeks ago I received three text-messages, one after another, that filled me with joy. Three very close IF sisters from my support group found out they were pregnant, one of them with twins. That sent me over the moon. But 3 is still not good enough. There are still too many couples out there for whom Xmas is the most painful time of the year.

For so many years I dreaded Xmas! I used to wish I could go to sleep for the whole month of December. That way I could skip my birthday, which was always a reminder that my clock was ticking away, and miss out on the farce of Christmas. Because, believe me, there was nothing merry about it. That fake smile on my face as I went door to door, delivering presents to friends & relatives. All of them with kids, of course. And me pretending everything was hunky dory and reassuring people that I'd never felt happier. Ho! Ho! Ho!

hey Charley I think I'm happy
for the first time since my accident
and I wish I had all the money
that we used to spend on dope
I'd buy me a used car lot
and I wouldn't sell any of em
I'd just drive a different car
every day dependin on how
I feel.

But I thanked my lucky stars for being an only child, no brothers or sisters with kids. It was just a very quiet meal with my parents, praying the day would go by as quickly as possible. God, I hated Xmas!

And in a way I still do. Although the little guy has brought more joy to my life than I could ever have hoped for, the magic of Christmas is completely lost for me. There are people out there still experiencing that raw pain that I felt around this time of year. So, here at home I go through the motions because I need to keep the magic going for my son. He's 7 years old and still believes in that jolly old man in a red suit & white beard. And I hope he keeps believing for a long time!

Not the most cheerful of posts, I apologise. But just because I'm not crazy about Christmas doesn't mean I want to spread my gloom around. I wish everyone a truly magical Christmas!

Birthday present

2008-12-15T22:04:00.005Z

I received a belated B-day present today that was well worth the wait! The Trinity Sessions: Cowboy Junkies. Here's Misguided Angel, one of my favourites. I used this CD as background music for a writing lesson with my teenagers today. I think it really inspired them.

An explanation

2008-12-14T20:31:00.000Z

I owe my blog friends an apology for pulling a disappearing act. I just walked out without a word and that's not fair to the dear friends I've made over the months I've had my blog up & running (in particular one special friend - Martha). I kind of feel like the prodigal daughter. But I do owe people an explanation.

These last few months were a bit overwhelming for me. Adapting to a new position at work. My husband's problems with his timetable at school which interfered with our family life (that really took a toll on me). My problems with fibrocystic breast disease and an overload of breast cancer awareness campaigns in the media which freaked me out completely. The age factor. I know! I know! 40 is not the end of the world. And OK, I still think I don't look too bad considering, but it's a number that takes some getting used to. And then there's that bitch - infertility! Not my own, that's over and done with, but all the wonderful people I deal with on a daily basis through my volunteer work. I never thought I could ever feel so much rage about something like I do about this painful disease that eats away inside you. I feel even angrier now about infertility than when I was dealing with my own struggle.

So, dear friends, I got tired. There was too much going on in my life and my brain was close to burnout. I needed some quiet time away from a lot of things. I guess the tip of the iceberg was the day I discovered a colleague from work was reading my blog. Why would that bother me? My life is an open book, perhaps too open. Everything that I talk or rant about here, I do the same at work. I'm constantly talking about my volunteer work at school. But this particular person is the kind that always shows no interest. When I mention all the progress we've made in the association and all the wonderful accomplishments in such a short period she always looks incredibly bored. The same when I talk about my worries about some of my health problems. It really rubbed me the wrong way that she was following these things through me blog, but showing no interest face-to-face. Is it too much to give someone a word of comfort or share in their joy?

So, for all the reasons above I took a break. I'm feeling much better now and bit more in control of my life. This breast thing still completely freaks me out and haven't had the courage to get it checked out this year. I promised myself that would be the very first thing over the Xmas holidays.

If any of you are still out there, once again, my deepest apologies. Martha, you are the sweetest, most beautiful person I know. Alicia, you make me laugh like crazy! Although absent in my own, I've been following both your blogs regularly. Just didn't drop comments. How so very rude of me. I'm very sorry. It feels good to be back! Let's rock n' roll!

PS: The little guy is more gorgeous than ever. The big guy is still the world's worst cook.

The Blind Boys of Alabama

2008-12-14T14:18:00.004Z

This is where I'll be tonight! The Blind Boys of Alabama are in town for a Christmas show and I'm going with some colleagues from work. It's girls' night out.

It's now official...

2008-12-12T23:54:00.006Z

I'm 40 and I better start getting used to it!

As I was telling a friend, I think it was a smooth transition and I'm all geared up for what's coming ahead: frail bones, wrinkles and boobs pointing south!

I'll be back for more blogging (or ranting), that is if I still have any readers left out there in blogland.

Friday Flower

2008-10-24T23:10:00.005+01:00

Friday Flower this week dedicated to the loving memory of Pedro, a beautiful 7-year-old boy from my son's class, who lost a battle to leukemia. My heart goes out to his parents, who fought so hard to keep their beautiful boy alive. It's been so hard to find a reason to smile this week after the devasting news. Pedro had been fighting leukemia since he was three. Six months ago his parents were told that there was nothing more that could be done for him here in Portugal, so they took him to a hospital in New York that offered them their last hope. Over the last 6 months my son's school has been busy organising fund raising events to enable Pedro to continue with treatments. But little Pedro went to sleep on Monday.

This is every parents' worst nightmare. Tomorrow I will be attending his funeral and offering my support to his parents, but I'm terrified at the idea of having to look at that little casket, thinking it could very well be my son, that this could happen to me one day. I feel so ashamed for having these feelings. Here I am completely centred on my own fears as a mother, when those poor distraught parents are grieving the loss of their little boy. I don't know what I'm going to say to them. I don't know what support I can offer. I just hope I'll be able to find the right words when the time comes.

My son's teacher broke the news to me on Monday and I just broke down crying in front of the class of 7-year-olds. I just couldn't stop the tears. The teacher did a very good job of explaining death to these little kids. My son said that God needed his help up in heaven, that he had a very important job for him up there. I'm not at all a religious person. The only reason my son is in a private Catholic school is because it's right next to my school. But I have to be honest, religion does come to the rescue in these situations.

I hope Pedro's parents find the strength to deal with their loss. And may Pedro be in a beautiful playground somewhere over the rainbow, maybe in that place called heaven.

Monday Memory

2008-10-20T23:33:00.004+01:00

Learning the facts of life with Judy Blume. Always wished I had a daughter so I could read Judy Blume all over again.

Assinem a petição

2008-10-17T22:24:00.005+01:00

Cliquem na imagem e assinem a petição. O vosso contributo é muito importante, por isso não esqueçam de divulgar juntos dos vossos amigos e familiares e pf coloquem este link nos vossos blogs.

To my English-speaking readers, this is a petition my Association has running to acknowledge the 21st of June as National Fertility Day in Portugal.

Monday Memory

2008-10-13T22:08:00.005+01:00

"All skaters, change directions" means something to you.

This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

You remember when film critics were certain that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka!

You remember having a rotary phone.

You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch and your "cable or VCR remote" was connected to the TV by a CORD!

You actually remember Mr. Bill.

You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van and remember riding in the back of the station wagon trying to get passing trucks to honk at you.

You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or, worst of all - what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was. (Coltrain)

You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

Leg warmers were cool.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history.

You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out... and still carry the emotional scars to prove it. (Guess that explains why I can't swim!)

You ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut or used Short and Sassy shampoo.

You remember having to get off the couch to change the TV channel.

If male: your first love was Marsha Brady, Jeannine, Samantha from Bewitched, Josie or any one of the Pussycat.

You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on.

You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are going out of town".

Chevy Chase was really funny in those vacation movies.

You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

You were not allowed to see The Exorcist, The Omen, or The Blue Lagoon when they came out.

The Brady Bunch Movie brings back warm memories.

You tuned in regularly to the adventures of the Bionic Man and Woman, Wonder Woman, and/or the Incredible Hulk.

A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".

You remember trying to guess the first episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

Your first musical purchase was an 8-track tape.

Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

You ever owned a Donnie and Marie or Sonny and Cher poster.

You remember wanting to stay up to see Mr. Bill on Saturday Night Live.

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.

You thought that Shawn Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat or Chachi.

Most of the fillings in your mouth are directly related to Bazooka or Bubble Yum.

You remember when there was only "G", "PG", and "R".

I cheated a little to put together this post today. Found this site and selected the relevant bits for me. Man, was it ever cool being a child in the 70's. Kids these days don't know what they're missing.

Palin vs Clinton

2008-10-13T00:03:00.003+01:00

Former cast member Tina Fey, now the star of "30 Rock," returned to Saturday Night Live to play Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin for the premiere of the show's new season. Fey bears a striking resemblance to Palin and nailed the candidate's distinctive accent. Fey and Amy Poehler opened the show with a joint appearance as Palin and Hillary Clinton. The two politicians addressed the ugly issue of sexism in the campaign.

Friday Flower

2008-10-11T13:35:00.005+01:00

The Bluebell
Emily Bronte

The Bluebell is the sweetest flower
That waves in summer air:
Its blossoms have the mightiest power
To soothe my spirit's care.

There is a spell in purple heath
Too wildly, sadly dear;
The violet has a fragrant breath,
But fragrance will not cheer,

The trees are bare, the sun is cold,
And seldom, seldom seen;
The heavens have lost their zone of gold,
And earth her robe of green.

And ice upon the glancing stream
Has cast its sombre shade;
And distant hills and valleys seem
In frozen mist arrayed.

The Bluebell cannot charm me now,
The heath has lost its bloom;
The violets in the glen below,
They yield no sweet perfume.

But, though I mourn the sweet Bluebell,
'Tis better far away;
I know how fast my tears would swell
To see it smile to-day.

For, oh! when chill the sunbeams fall
Adown that dreary sky,
And gild yon dank and darkened wall
With transient brilliancy;

How do I weep, how do I pine
For the time of flowers to come,
And turn me from that fading shine,
To mourn the fields of home!

Apologies for Friday Flower being posted a day late. I completely lost track of time yesterday. And by the way, I've added a pink ribbon to the picture as October is Breast Cancer awareness month.

Feels like only yesterday...

2008-10-07T22:31:00.009+01:00

It's our 19th wedding anniversay today. OMG! That's a hell of a long time to be together, yet it feels like it was only yesterday. It was love at first sight, he proposed after dating for 2 weeks and we were married 4 months later. Things happened pretty fast. And no! I wasn't pregnant, although everybody else thought I was. You could tell by the look on their faces when I handed out the invitations. I even joked about it at the time, but the joke was on me as I soon found out.

I was an 80's bride. You know what that means, don't you? That nobody will be getting a peek at my wedding album. Too embarrassed to show off the hairdo and shoulder pads. I was just a 20-year-old kid going up that aisle, given away by my daddy who cried thoughout the whole cerimony. The only other time time I ever saw him crying was 12 years later when the little guy was born, his only grandchild. Little did I know that day, back in 1989, that all the dreams I carried in my heart as I recited my wedding vows would take a hell of a long time to come true, with heartache and a lot of pain along the way. But what doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger, and that certainly was the case here.

We're not big on celebrations here at home. Just like our wedding, we like to keep things very low key. But our little guy was so excited and insisted on singing for us. So, he decided to adapt "Happy Birthday" to "Happy anniversary" (that was a mouthfull), then finished off with an awesome "We Will Rock You" (Rolling Stones eat your hearts out) and it really rocked here at our place . Just the three of us having a grand time, before my husband had to dash off to classes.

So, a toast to my partner in crime! And to the little guy, the perfect accomplice.

Monday Memory

2008-10-06T22:34:00.003+01:00

The most beautiful skyline in the world. My uncle has just left for Canada today, leaving me here homesick.

Grading Motherhood

2008-10-05T19:08:00.010+01:00

Motherhood - The Journey

Adetoye Adewole Adedipe

While going through my daily read of posts on the discussion board of my association, one in particular stood out. It was someone going on about how women who endured fertility treatments were much better mothers. Now, that remark got me thinking here. Does that mean that those "poor" fertile women out there don't make good moms? How I pity them. So let's get this straight, to be a grade "A" mom you have to go through fertility treatments, endless ultrassounds, survive 2-week waits and pee on a stick every month. That's what determines how good a mom you really are. Well, given the fact that I went through that for 12 years, I guess you could give me an "A+". And if you throw in my miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies, will that entitle me to an "A++"? I have to say these remarks about infertility survivors being better moms really rub me the wrong way.

It reminds of the time when I went for my last check-up at the hospital just before giving birth to the little guy. I overheard two women discussing natural labour vs caesarian. They both agreed that you weren't truly a mother, not in the whole sense of the word, if you didn't go through labour pains. Well, excuse me...what about not having sex to conceive? Did that mean I wasn't even eligible to become a mother? God forbid a woman should even think of conceiving without the pleasures of sex! Now, that's sinful!

Anyhow, back to the post. That's not the first time I've come across women grading motherhood based on the journey it took to get there. Well, I beg to differ. I don't think I'm any better or any worse than other mothers. To be honest I probably don't even deserve the "A" grade, given the fact that I went straight back to work once maternity leave was over, when I could have easily have become a stay-at-home mom. But towards the end of my leave I had ants in my pants, ready to go back to the hustle & bustle of working life. So, I guess that takes me down to a "B". And what about all those times I just couldn't take all the crying and having to deal with a colicky baby, so I'd drop him off at my mother-in-law's so I could have a few hours of peace & quiet to myself, or head out to the hairdresser's so I could finally look at myself in the mirror without getting a fright. So, now down to a "C". And the other day, instead of following those child rearing theories that are supposed to make a top-notch parent out of you, I actually bribed my son into getting a haircut. Yup! We're talking cash. Shit! I've failed! I am an absolute failure as a mom! Moi, who went through infertility treatments. I'm a disgrace to my kind.

Now, getting a little bit more serious here. Wanting to have a child and enduring fertility treatments to get there has no impact on our outcome as mothers. The problem with infertility is that the side effects extend into motherhood with a little more anxiety at the beginning and less self-confidence. Plus it just took a little longer to get there and few more tears along the way. But I don't want another label. Infertility was enough for me! The only label you'll ever seeing me wearing is one saying "I'm the little guy's mom". And that's good enough for me.

Present /Infant
Ani DiFranco

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors
Picking myself apart
You'd think at my age I'd of thought
of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full-time job
Making insecurity into art
And I fear my life will be over
and I will have never lived unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad I don't look better

But now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
and yes I will defend
To the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says: "don't forget to have a good time"
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace
Love is all over the place

There's nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face

lately I've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart

September Survivor

2008-10-03T21:30:00.004+01:00

I think I made it and lived to tell. September was certainly a month in hell for me. Left a few scars, but I survived. The new school year officially kicks off tomorrow and, unfortunately, I'll be teaching Saturday morning during the first semestre. But I'm happy with my new timetable and when I settle into the new routine, things will be (almost) back to normal, or at least I hope (knock on wood). A very busy week with workshops at school, level testings, staff meetings, workshops...and that was just work. Then there was the board meeting of the Fertility Association where I do volunteer work, with new ideas bubbling up all the time. Have I mentioned the incredible team I work with? And finally the little guy & big guy that need me around, too. Lots of balls to juggle in my life! I hope to be back to my blog "full-time" next week. Miss you all.

Friday Flower

2008-10-03T21:25:00.003+01:00

A Blade of Grass

Said a blade of grass to an autumn leaf, "You make such a noise falling! You scatter all my winter dreams."

Said the leaf indignant, "Low-born and low-dwelling! Songless, peevish thing! You live not in the upper air and you cannot tell the sound of singing."

Then the autumn leaf lay down upon the earth and slept. And when spring came she waked again -- and she was a blade of grass.

And when it was autumn and her winter sleep was upon her, and above her through all the air the leaves were falling, she muttered to herself, "O these autumn leaves! They make such a noise! They scatter all my winter dreams."

Kahil Gilbrain, The Madman - Chapter 30

Wednesday Words

2008-10-01T21:13:00.003+01:00

The Keeper of Sheep II

My gaze is clear like a sunflower.
It is my custom to walk the roads
Looking right and left
And sometimes looking behind me,
And what I see at each moment
Is what I never saw before,
And I’m very good at noticing things.
I’m capable of feeling the same wonder
A newborn child would feel
If he noticed that he’d really and truly been born.
I feel at each moment that I’ve just been born
Into a completely new world…

I believe in the world as in a daisy,
Because I see it. But I don’t think about it,
Because to think is to not understand.
The world wasn’t made for us to think about it
(To think is to have eyes that aren’t well)
But to look at it and to be in agreement.

I have no philosophy, I have senses…
If I speak of Nature it’s not because I know what it is
But because I love it, and for that very reason,
Because those who love never know what they love
Or why they love, or what love is.

To love is eternal innocence,
And the only innocence is not to think…

Alberto Caeiro (Fernando Pessoa)
Translation: Richard Zenith

Monday Memory

2008-09-29T23:12:00.002+01:00

My favourite song when I was a kid. I used to drive my dad crazy playing this full blast at home. Love this Muppets version, check out those crocodiles. The little guy was much more impressed with this one after the Bay City Rollers last week. And here I am, singing away. La! La, la, la, la, la, la.... I remember when rock was young (hate that line, reminds me I'm nearly 40).

Hanging on

2008-09-28T22:05:00.006+01:00

Chaos has taken over my life in the last couple of weeks. But surprise, surprise I'm still hanging in there. Still trying to get used to my new position at school and busy as bee planning lessons for my one-to-one students. The problem with teaching students who seek English for specific purposes is that it entails a lot of reading and researching on my behalf, ie. business, media, etc. But I've never been known to turn my back to a challenge and, to be honest, I actually get a kick out of working under pressure. Induction week at school is just round the corner, so that means an extra workload with workshops to put together. Still not sure I made the right decision accepting this promotion, but I guess it's too early on to come to any conclusions. Gotta give it some more time I guess.

I had a very interesting experience yesterday. The board of my infertility association got together for a brainstorming session and it was creativity in action. What wonderful, caring people I work with. I feel so priviliged to be a part of this amazing team, better known as the A- Team.

The little guy had a wonderful start to the school year and is having a blast at school. As a mother, I couldn't ask for better. He loves school and has so much fun with his mates. I love hearing all about it when I pick him up. Man, he's growing up fast! How do you keep them your little guys forever?

And next week I'm back to a full teaching schedule, which means back to the old routine of lesson planning & teaching, together with new responsabilities. And not forgetting running around to pick up the little guy from school, letting him hang around my workplace till dad comes to pick him up to take him home cuz I'm still teaching at that time. Then running home so dad can go to teach night classes. It's a bit scary, but I think we'll manage.

Missed out on ICLW this month with all this chaos in my life, but will hopefully make up for that next month as "Iron Commenter". My apologies to all of the wonderful people who dropped a lovely comment on my blog and didn't get one in return. I feel like a bitch, but I promise to make up for that too.

Wednesday Words

2008-09-24T22:12:00.003+01:00

Montage-a-google with the keyword "word".

Sleeping Beauty

2008-09-22T21:56:00.005+01:00

This month has been completely crazy. It has never been so hard going back to work after the holidays like this year. Age, perhaps? Oh no, here she goes again. Speaking of age, my son made a mistake at school today and told his classmates I was 49 instead of 39! Can you believe it? I'll ignore spelling mistakes. Who cares about multiplication! Bad grade, no problem! But never, and I mean never, get your mom's age wrong. And if you do, make sure you knock a few years off.

So back to me being tired. Forget tired, I am absolutely knackered! All day long I have visions of my bed and I daydream of snoring away. I really need to get my act together and recover some of the excess energy I used to have because it's not a pretty picture right now. I need a crash course in time management. Between work, family and volunteer work, I'm having a hard time finding quiet time for myself. Today I made myself go shopping. Just few months ago it was the other way round, I had to keep myself far away from malls and shops. Although it felt quite good going on a shopping spree, it was so rushed that I really didn't enjoy it like in the good old days.

And I'm just about to embark on the ICLW marathon. I don't think my dream of becoming the iron commentor will ever come true, at least certainly not this month by the look of things.

Off I go!

Monday Memory

2008-09-22T11:16:00.000+01:00

Who remembers this TV show?

Great Book Titles

2008-09-21T22:01:00.002+01:00

Hey McCain! Where's Spain?

2008-09-19T23:37:00.008+01:00

This one really made me laugh! I'm totally convinced this guy either has no idea who Zapatero is, or thinks that Zapatero and Zapatistas are all the same thing. Love the Time headline: The Pain in Spain Falls Mainly on McCain.

Wednesday Words

2008-09-17T21:09:00.004+01:00

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."

H.G. Wells

Monday Memory

2008-09-15T21:33:00.004+01:00

The little guy is a big fan of Bob Sinclair so we were on YouTube searching for some videos. I decided to show him what I was listening to at his age. That's right, folks! We're talking The Bay City Rollers back in 1976. The little guy just laughed in my face, "You're not serious, mom!" Come to think of it, I do feel a little embarrassed now when I recall all that plaid. I have school pictures lying around in which I'm wearing my Bay City Rollers tartan waistcoat.

Show and Tell

2008-09-14T23:29:00.003+01:00

I'm cheating this week. This is from a post I published some weeks ago. Tomorrow is back to school for my son and I wanted to show one of his masterpieces, the art critic being his mom, of course.

Last year in school, as part of his end-of-year test (can't understand why 1st graders actually need to be tested, but that's material for another post), he was asked to illustrate his interpretation of life. If you ask me, that's a pretty heavy-duty topic for a 6-year-old with hardly any life experience. Anyhow, I think he came up with a magnificent depiction of life's treacherous ways through a maze. Ok, I know, I'm his mom and I think everything he does is wonderful. But just bear with me here.

You have to start at the top left, where you find a little pink fish (actually, facing the wrong direction) that has to find his way through the maze to get to the pond because fish can't survive out of water. Along the way he has to collect "suns" and avoid the "storms". I asked him why there so many suns and so few storms and he said that's just how life is (the naivety of children). He said the fish will also find lots of other beautiful things throughout his journey - a castle full of treasures, love, balloons (celebrations).

My son is a very logical thinker and practically all his pictures involve mazes or some sort of problem-solving task, not always obvious to the observer. It's a personality trait. He loves chess, chinese checkers, monopoly & any type of strategy game. His teacher gave him a "C" for this picture because she couldn't understand it without his explanation and the picture had to be crystal clear. Excuse me, but what do you expect when you give kids a topic like this? She wanted something more along the lines of a house, trees, birds, flowers, etc.

I told my son not to worry because I was ever so proud of the creativity put into this thought-provoking drawing.

drrrrring, drrrrring...

2008-09-14T20:30:00.003+01:00

...the most beautiful sound in the world! My mom called saying they got home just fine. Dad's still a little shaken up, but much better. They stopped by the mechanics on the way home to make sure tomorrow at the crack of dawn he's working on my dad's prized possession. I got one of those I-told-you-so looks from my husband; he got one of those thanks-for-nothing looks from me. Thing is, deep down inside, I'm kind of glad he is the way he is, otherwise my son who would have a hard time dealing with two wacky parents. This way he only has to put up with a hysterical, paranoid mom.

And a sigh of relief to close off the day.

A nervous wreck

2008-09-14T17:17:00.010+01:00

How am I going to survive the next two hours? My parents came over to spend the weekend with us. Just as they were leaving, we heard a loud bang. My heart skipped a beat and I went running up the street like a madwoman when I realised it had been my dad's car. Because of the fiesta in our village, our street was packed with cars and revellers, and as my dad was trying to avoid the crowds, he hit a tree. Luckily no one got hurt, but my dad was pretty shaken up. His car is his pride and joy. You see, my dad lost a leg to cancer 20 years ago and he relies on his car to get around. However, the fact of the matter is that he's 80 years old and doesn't have the same reflexes as he used to, which accounts for the many minor accidents he's had in the last few years. He wanted to get out of the car to inspect the damage and completely freaked out when my mom couldn't open the door on the passenger's side. I made sure he stayed put, assuring him that it wasn't anything a mechanic couldn't fix.

So, now I'm a nervous wreck. My parents live about 2 hours away and mom's cell phone is off because she always forgets to charge the battery (what the fuck do you need a cell phone if it's not on for emergencies?), which means I have to wait for them to get home to be assured that they're ok. My dad was close to tears when he left and I really worry about the journey home up those twisting mountain roads. I've called an aunt of mine letting her know what happened, so in case they're not home in 2 hours, they'll send a small search party out looking for them.

My husband thinks I'm overreacting, that they'll be just fine. The people who witnessed the accident and gathered round were going on and on about how it was just a fricken car, nothing to freak out over. Why would a grown man spill tears over a headlight or a bumper? But I know exactly how much that car means to my dad. It represents his mobility; it reprents life to him. Last year when he had a stroke, I remember him weeping like a child because he thought he'd never be able to drive again. Very few people understand that kind of attachment to a car, but I know exactly where he's coming from. His happiness and his freedom depend on that car.

So, now I have to wait around for that damn phone to ring. Please let them get home safe & sound!

Update (6.25pm): I'm fooling around here on my blog, re-arranging things to keep me busy while waiting for that DAMN phone to ring! Please ring soon!!! I can't take this anymore. My aunt called quite nonchalantly to find out how I was doing. She's pretending to be all cool about this, but I know her so well. A nervous wreck like myself. My husband just went out for his daily jog. How the fuck do men do it? Here I am feeling as if my whole world is about to come crumbling down and he goes out jogging. He's so annoyingly cool about everything. I remember once, when we were going through infertility treatments, we were at the hospital for one of the routine ultrassounds when I got a call informing us that our apartment had flooded and water was coming down the staircase. We came rushing home to a nightmare scenario, a pipe had burst and there was water everywhere. What do I do? Grab mops and buckets and what have you to start cleaning up the mess. What does he do? Prepare lunch, sit at the kitchen table, slowly nibbling away as he's watching the news on TV...with water up to his fricken ankles. I know, I know, I should be a bit more like him. But I'm not! And right now I could do with a little "freaking out" solidarity from him. Ok, I've had my rant.