Monday, December 22, 2008

Comedy and tragedy walking hand in hand at Xmas

The antithesis of traditional Xmas ballads, A Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis, in the bourbon-soaked voice of Tom Waits, is my all-time favourite. It makes me laugh and want to cry at the same time. And it pretty much sums up how I feel around this "jolly" season.

A few weeks ago I received three text-messages, one after another, that filled me with joy. Three very close IF sisters from my support group found out they were pregnant, one of them with twins. That sent me over the moon. But 3 is still not good enough. There are still too many couples out there for whom Xmas is the most painful time of the year.

For so many years I dreaded Xmas! I used to wish I could go to sleep for the whole month of December. That way I could skip my birthday, which was always a reminder that my clock was ticking away, and miss out on the farce of Christmas. Because, believe me, there was nothing merry about it. That fake smile on my face as I went door to door, delivering presents to friends & relatives. All of them with kids, of course. And me pretending everything was hunky dory and reassuring people that I'd never felt happier. Ho! Ho! Ho!

hey Charley I think I'm happy
for the first time since my accident
and I wish I had all the money
that we used to spend on dope
I'd buy me a used car lot
and I wouldn't sell any of em
I'd just drive a different car
every day dependin on how
I feel.

But I thanked my lucky stars for being an only child, no brothers or sisters with kids. It was just a very quiet meal with my parents, praying the day would go by as quickly as possible. God, I hated Xmas!

And in a way I still do. Although the little guy has brought more joy to my life than I could ever have hoped for, the magic of Christmas is completely lost for me. There are people out there still experiencing that raw pain that I felt around this time of year. So, here at home I go through the motions because I need to keep the magic going for my son. He's 7 years old and still believes in that jolly old man in a red suit & white beard. And I hope he keeps believing for a long time!

Not the most cheerful of posts, I apologise. But just because I'm not crazy about Christmas doesn't mean I want to spread my gloom around. I wish everyone a truly magical Christmas!

1 comment:

Martha said...

I wish you all the best, RA, mostly Peace, Health, and Happiness for you and your beautiful family in the New Year.

Thanks also for your comment, I would learn to cope in Portugal with everything except maybe the spitting too. Ugh, double ugh.