Back to reality

Just got back from a lovely weekend up in the beautiful hills of northern Portugal. Hope everyone had a great Easter. Mine was sinful: great food & wine! Weather is crap today (cold & rainy), which matches my mood. Can't believe it's back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks of bliss. Off to unpack and do laundry, but first need to catch up on all my blog buddies.

My guys...

...make me smile. Big guy let me sleep in this morning and treated me to breakfast in bed. Then he let me rant for the rest of the morning about the "thing" that made me so angry. Little guy got a bit jealous and says he's taking me out to dinner tonight, his treat. I get to pick the place: McDonald's or Pizza Hut. Not really what I had in mind, but it's the thought that counts. I'll try to talk him into a nice Italian restaurant in town.

What makes you smile when you're angry?

Cryptic Wednesday

Warning: This post is not to be understood! Just need to vent some anger.

I started fuming yesterday when I heard about it and today I'm just about to blow my top after seeing it. Feel like walking out the door and slamming it shut behind me. Who the hell do people think they are waltzing in and out like that? The fricken fairy godmother? Well, listen up, if you want to be the fairy godmother, then try doing something useful that will actually help others and not just yourself. In case you haven't realised, this is not about you!

Glad I got that off my chest. Now back to the daily grind.

Never Apologize, Never Explain

On the contrary, always apologize and explain,
in the terror-white veracity, down to the essence bone,
tenaciously follow the long road. Be
capable and Voltairean, discreet of form and substance, tell it
like it is, don't gloss over
in silent splendor.

Give the unattractive facts. But they won't be
that insipid (arrears of heavenly bodies).
And if you have to polish up
the contemptible gaff, give it all you've got-seriously,
don't swindle and pretend the sky
didn't fall in.

But dole out the mathematics, saviors of the gut.
Inching without propaganda the longhand
of dream. Even insult the host who
just wanted to play the game. Apologize in sample color,
if you loved something, say it. If kept
under your hat,

let the fallacies represent you.
From whatever Acropolis of stress, bat with
that genuine non-expurgation, the angel of bottomless pits.
Versatility and science; right the wrongs you know,
and do it with wholeheartedness. In fundamentals
so brash, or like a glass of water.

By Jane Mayhall
From Sleeping Late on Judgment Day: Poems

Today was one of those days.

Walking on Sunshine

...and don't it feel good!!

This Easter break has turned into the holiday I so badly needed. I'm enjoying the sunshine and this beautiful Spring weather. Though damn birds insist on waking me up in the wee hours of the morning with their chirping and singing. Don't they know I want to sleep in? As ususal my internet connection is doing my head in. I've finally narrowed it down to a faulty modem, but trying to get provider to send me a new one. So, in the meantime, I'm trying to keep away from the net for fear that computer rage will get the best of me.

My time has been spent doing the things I enjoy most: gardening, cooking and reading. And music everywhere!!!! I've been teaching the little guy how to cook. I was going to start with just simple stuff, like sandwiches or scrambled eggs. But the little guy aims high, so doing the works! We're talking Mediterranean cuisine! Luckily, we have quite an array of herbs & vegetables in our garden. He loves fish, so yesterday I showed him how to clean and gut them. I thought he was going to go all "this is gross" on me, but no! I think he was actually enjoying it. Ah there's hope that's he's inherited my cooking genes (and not his dad's!).

I've also been doing a lot of walking, preparing for you-know-what. (the Camino! Shhhh!) I haven't talked about it much because I'm so afraid of jinxing it. I realise how so not fit I am, meaning I fear not making it the whole way. But I'm determined to give it a try and if I have to call it quits along the way, so be it!

Tomorrow I've got my uncle Armie coming over from Canada! Yay! That means I'm getting a lot of goodies! Double yay! He also says he's bringing a surprise guest. Triple yay! I'm like a little kid in anticipation. It could be a new girlfriend; however, I have a feeling it's an old friend of mine. I had a peek at this friend's website where he mentions a trip to Europe soon. Oh the joy! Oh the excitement! I love when my uncle surprises me like this cuz it brings out the little girl inside of me.

Things that make you go Grrr...

Having to delete a comment some bible basher had the nerve to drop on my blog just now. Damn! I am really not on good terms with the church lately. I could turn a blind eye to their views on Reproductive Medicine and abortion because it does not suprise me at all. And in a way I can almost understand where they're coming from, although, and I stress this, I do not share these views! However, when you hear this pope preaching against the use of condoms during his trip to Angola, now that sends me into a fury! How dare he say something like this in this day in age when considering all the AIDS victims in the African continent. Then we have that case of the 9-year-old Brazilian girl who had to have her pregnancy terminated after being raped by her stepfather. And pregnant with twins to top it all off. How does the church stretch out a helping hand? Through the excommunication of the little girl's mother and the health workers involved in the pregnancy termination. God forbid they should excommunicate the bastard who raped the little girl. These are the things that make my blood boil!

On dreams - The Book of Disquietude

Although I'm passionate about reading, I rarely get attached to books. I much rather see them going from hand to hand than covered in dust on a bookshelf. So, in our household books are always pased on to somebody else once they've been read. Sometimes they're returned, sometimes they aren't. That doesn't really bother me. Except for this one book. You know I'm badly in need of a holiday when I get out the Book of Disquietude. It's a clear sign that I'm stressed out, overworked and unable to juggle the various components of my life. Here I am supposed to be writing my infertility story to be used as basis for a workshop a psychologist friend of mine is giving next week, but instead the Book of Disquietude is here by my side tempting me with its disturbing truths.

There's a part of me that I rarely share with others. Just as I was reaching the end of the line on my infertility journey, I completely lost my ability to dream. I woke up one day from surgery wishing I could just drift back into a deep sleep, one which would prevent me from ever dreaming again. That's quite a frightening feeling as dreams are for me just as essential to survival as the very air we breathe. Fernando Pessoa, in the Book of Disquietude, speaks of two kind of dreamers. Those who dream the impossible, and spend their lives in a deep sleep, and those who dream the possible, and are awake to life. I could be neither for dreams were my traitors. That set me out on a parallel quest to recover a side of me that was completely numb. This was an incredible journey into the deep meanders of my soul. For this reason, I'm constantly searching with a hawk's eyes every single passage on dreams in the Book of Disquietude.

And to get this out of my system and to be able to get back to work, I wish to share with you one such passage on dreams, found randomly when leafing through the book just now:

"I ask myself who you are, you this figure who traverses all my languid visions of unknown landscapes and ancient interiors and splendid pageants of silence. In all of my dreams you appear, in dream form, or you accompany me as a false reality. With you I visit regions that are perhaps dreams of yours, lands that are perhaps your bodies of absence and inhumanity, your essential body dissolved into the shape of a tranquil plain and a stark hill on the grounds of some secret place. Perhaps I have no dream but you. Perhaps it is in your eyes, when my face leans into yours, that I read these impossible landscapes, these unreal tediums, these feelings that inhabit the shadows of my weariness and the caves of my disquiet. Perhaps the landscapes of my dreams are my way of not dreaming about you. How do I know that you’re not a part of me, perhaps the real and essential part? And how do I know it’s not I who am the dream and you the reality, I who am your dream instead of you being mine?"

The Book of Disquietude, Fernando Pessoa

All's well that ends well

But what a f****ing mess in between! Our school website crashed and I had to sort it out with the little resources available & sending out a million mayday calls. Believe me it wan't a pretty picture. And I'm too old for this type of thing.

However, I did experience a truly magical moment that made up for the shitty day. Life's little surprises.

And here's goes the perfect bedtime read:

Sad Day

I woke up today to find that my cat had died in the night. He was a stray, just like all our other pets, that we took in about a year ago. I remember he used to leave dead birds on our doorstep at the beginning, which I found quite bizarre and disturbing. I later discovered that it was his way of thanking us for the hospitality. Last night I noticed he was panting, but my husband said it was because of the heat. I really wish I'd called the vet last night. Now I can't seem to ease my guilty conscious.

I also found out that my dad is not well. His health has always been quite frail since his stroke a year ago. While I'm bitching about turning 40 this year, my dad is hitting 80 next week. I'm such a daddy's girl & it breaks my heart just the idea that I could lose him. My dad is the most generous person and gentlest soul there is. After losing his leg to cancer, which was quite a blow for the athletic type like my dad, he accepted his limitations and faced life head on. And I thank him for having been such an inspiration, not to mention role-model. I'm not ready to lose him just yet...I still need him around a bit longer!