Sunday, December 14, 2008

An explanation

I owe my blog friends an apology for pulling a disappearing act. I just walked out without a word and that's not fair to the dear friends I've made over the months I've had my blog up & running (in particular one special friend - Martha). I kind of feel like the prodigal daughter. But I do owe people an explanation.

These last few months were a bit overwhelming for me. Adapting to a new position at work. My husband's problems with his timetable at school which interfered with our family life (that really took a toll on me). My problems with fibrocystic breast disease and an overload of breast cancer awareness campaigns in the media which freaked me out completely. The age factor. I know! I know! 40 is not the end of the world. And OK, I still think I don't look too bad considering, but it's a number that takes some getting used to. And then there's that bitch - infertility! Not my own, that's over and done with, but all the wonderful people I deal with on a daily basis through my volunteer work. I never thought I could ever feel so much rage about something like I do about this painful disease that eats away inside you. I feel even angrier now about infertility than when I was dealing with my own struggle.

So, dear friends, I got tired. There was too much going on in my life and my brain was close to burnout. I needed some quiet time away from a lot of things. I guess the tip of the iceberg was the day I discovered a colleague from work was reading my blog. Why would that bother me? My life is an open book, perhaps too open. Everything that I talk or rant about here, I do the same at work. I'm constantly talking about my volunteer work at school. But this particular person is the kind that always shows no interest. When I mention all the progress we've made in the association and all the wonderful accomplishments in such a short period she always looks incredibly bored. The same when I talk about my worries about some of my health problems. It really rubbed me the wrong way that she was following these things through me blog, but showing no interest face-to-face. Is it too much to give someone a word of comfort or share in their joy?

So, for all the reasons above I took a break. I'm feeling much better now and bit more in control of my life. This breast thing still completely freaks me out and haven't had the courage to get it checked out this year. I promised myself that would be the very first thing over the Xmas holidays.

If any of you are still out there, once again, my deepest apologies.
Martha, you are the sweetest, most beautiful person I know. Alicia, you make me laugh like crazy! Although absent in my own, I've been following both your blogs regularly. Just didn't drop comments. How so very rude of me. I'm very sorry. It feels good to be back! Let's rock n' roll!

PS: The little guy is more gorgeous than ever. The big guy is still the world's worst cook.


Martha said...

RA, you owe me no explanation. I knew you had things to take care, I saw how much was going on in your life, even over the computer, across the Atlantic, and No.American continent. I hope you know I kept you close in thought and prayer and will always be here for you. No big deal like we say in California.
Please get checked out right away, give yourself, your family, and those who care about you a gift, and schedule your appointment Now for after the first of the Year.
Quit freaking out and start treating yourself as well as you would one of your IF warriors.
I love being in my forties, I'm in better shape and state of mind than I've ever been. I hope you get there soon. Big ((Hugs)), xx M

Ana said...

It's good to have you back... I was missing you too! Had no idea you were feeling like that... :( Except the 40s thing...
And I agree with you - stimes it hurts more now than it did when it was me. Sthings are so bloody unfair...

alicia said...

yay glad you are back!!! I was worried about you! But I understand the need for a break! sometimes it jsut gets overwhelming having a blog! I totally get it :)

and I am glad you are getting checked out after the holidays!