Knock! Knock! Anyone still out there?

Things have been really tough around here, barely surviving on a crappy net connection. Hopefully everything will be sorted and back to normal in a couple of days. However, I did not appreciate being held "hostage" by a phone company. Still feel like going out there to kick their ass. Other than this to rant about, it's been really busy at school these past couple of weeks and the outlook for the next month is even worse. Oh well! Can't really complain when you've got a steady job that you actually enjoy.

The little guy is doing really well. Loving school! Enjoying life! And always a smile on that gorgeous face of his. Couldn't ask for more.

I've just realised how much I've missed blogging and all my blog buddies. I'll have a lot of catching up to do once my internet is sorted.

A great Sunday to all & catch you soon! :)

A quick hello

Having internet problems at home (what else is new?). I have very limited access, meaning I'm only able to view/answer emails and not much else. It's a long story, and believe me, you don't want to hear it. Hopefully all will be sorted some time next week. That is, if I survive that long.

Back to reality

Just got back from a lovely weekend up in the beautiful hills of northern Portugal. Hope everyone had a great Easter. Mine was sinful: great food & wine! Weather is crap today (cold & rainy), which matches my mood. Can't believe it's back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks of bliss. Off to unpack and do laundry, but first need to catch up on all my blog buddies.

Sunday Singing

What tunes would get you to the dancefloor right now? Are we going for 80s cheese? C'mon, humour the DJ here.

Photo Shoot

While dad was busy finishing off some work today, the little guy and I decided to have some fun. We got out an old shoebox, a stick, bits from old toys, scissors, glue & tape and voilá...a pirate ship! Then he decided I'd be the perfect model and thus began our photo shoot. Got cross at me, though, because I was getting a bit too silly. These damn models! Then we woke up poor Chiclete, our cat, and chased her around the orchard to get a picture. She did not appreciate that. And by that time we had worked up an apetite, so time to get dinner started. Man I love this silliness! He thinks mom better grow up!

Walking on Sunshine

...and don't it feel good!!

This Easter break has turned into the holiday I so badly needed. I'm enjoying the sunshine and this beautiful Spring weather. Though damn birds insist on waking me up in the wee hours of the morning with their chirping and singing. Don't they know I want to sleep in? As ususal my internet connection is doing my head in. I've finally narrowed it down to a faulty modem, but trying to get provider to send me a new one. So, in the meantime, I'm trying to keep away from the net for fear that computer rage will get the best of me.

My time has been spent doing the things I enjoy most: gardening, cooking and reading. And music everywhere!!!! I've been teaching the little guy how to cook. I was going to start with just simple stuff, like sandwiches or scrambled eggs. But the little guy aims high, so doing the works! We're talking Mediterranean cuisine! Luckily, we have quite an array of herbs & vegetables in our garden. He loves fish, so yesterday I showed him how to clean and gut them. I thought he was going to go all "this is gross" on me, but no! I think he was actually enjoying it. Ah there's hope that's he's inherited my cooking genes (and not his dad's!).

I've also been doing a lot of walking, preparing for you-know-what. (the Camino! Shhhh!) I haven't talked about it much because I'm so afraid of jinxing it. I realise how so not fit I am, meaning I fear not making it the whole way. But I'm determined to give it a try and if I have to call it quits along the way, so be it!

Tomorrow I've got my uncle Armie coming over from Canada! Yay! That means I'm getting a lot of goodies! Double yay! He also says he's bringing a surprise guest. Triple yay! I'm like a little kid in anticipation. It could be a new girlfriend; however, I have a feeling it's an old friend of mine. I had a peek at this friend's website where he mentions a trip to Europe soon. Oh the joy! Oh the excitement! I love when my uncle surprises me like this cuz it brings out the little girl inside of me.

Oh get it right, girl!

I bet that's what you're thinking. Yes, I've changed my header once again and it probably won't be the last time. Still don't know what I'm looking for.

I started off as plain "Raggedy Ann". I was still in my prime back then - a young lass on the way to the big 4-0.

Then I thought the time had come to grow up and given that I was going through a very stressful time in my life, thus came the "Damsel Under Stress":

But I tell you this Damsel chick started getting on my nerves and I found I was coming back to my blog less and less (along with bad internet connection). There's something quite unnerving about this header, I have to say. She seems to have lost her wand, and I like to believe I still have it clutched in my hand. Don't you just feel like telling her to pick up the bloody wand, get off her ass and stop whinging?

So she did! And now we move on to "The World According to Raggedy Ann". A little pretentious, you say? I think you're right, which means I don't really know how long this one is going to last. I had a blast from the past last night going through some old movies (because my internet connection wasn't working. Damn!) and came across "The World According to Garp", a movie that touched me so much in my youth.

So, I welcome you to my new header. Please be very honest in your feedback*!

* No, don't be honest! You can lie through your teeth!

NB: This is not an April Fool's joke, unless you really don't like it.

On dreams - The Book of Disquietude

Although I'm passionate about reading, I rarely get attached to books. I much rather see them going from hand to hand than covered in dust on a bookshelf. So, in our household books are always pased on to somebody else once they've been read. Sometimes they're returned, sometimes they aren't. That doesn't really bother me. Except for this one book. You know I'm badly in need of a holiday when I get out the Book of Disquietude. It's a clear sign that I'm stressed out, overworked and unable to juggle the various components of my life. Here I am supposed to be writing my infertility story to be used as basis for a workshop a psychologist friend of mine is giving next week, but instead the Book of Disquietude is here by my side tempting me with its disturbing truths.

There's a part of me that I rarely share with others. Just as I was reaching the end of the line on my infertility journey, I completely lost my ability to dream. I woke up one day from surgery wishing I could just drift back into a deep sleep, one which would prevent me from ever dreaming again. That's quite a frightening feeling as dreams are for me just as essential to survival as the very air we breathe. Fernando Pessoa, in the Book of Disquietude, speaks of two kind of dreamers. Those who dream the impossible, and spend their lives in a deep sleep, and those who dream the possible, and are awake to life. I could be neither for dreams were my traitors. That set me out on a parallel quest to recover a side of me that was completely numb. This was an incredible journey into the deep meanders of my soul. For this reason, I'm constantly searching with a hawk's eyes every single passage on dreams in the Book of Disquietude.

And to get this out of my system and to be able to get back to work, I wish to share with you one such passage on dreams, found randomly when leafing through the book just now:

"I ask myself who you are, you this figure who traverses all my languid visions of unknown landscapes and ancient interiors and splendid pageants of silence. In all of my dreams you appear, in dream form, or you accompany me as a false reality. With you I visit regions that are perhaps dreams of yours, lands that are perhaps your bodies of absence and inhumanity, your essential body dissolved into the shape of a tranquil plain and a stark hill on the grounds of some secret place. Perhaps I have no dream but you. Perhaps it is in your eyes, when my face leans into yours, that I read these impossible landscapes, these unreal tediums, these feelings that inhabit the shadows of my weariness and the caves of my disquiet. Perhaps the landscapes of my dreams are my way of not dreaming about you. How do I know that you’re not a part of me, perhaps the real and essential part? And how do I know it’s not I who am the dream and you the reality, I who am your dream instead of you being mine?"

The Book of Disquietude, Fernando Pessoa

All's well that ends well

But what a f****ing mess in between! Our school website crashed and I had to sort it out with the little resources available & sending out a million mayday calls. Believe me it wan't a pretty picture. And I'm too old for this type of thing.

However, I did experience a truly magical moment that made up for the shitty day. Life's little surprises.

And here's goes the perfect bedtime read:

A stroll in the park

the park

... enjoying this amazing Spring weather. Actually, more like summer weather with a high of 28ºC (82.4ºF, according to the converter). I stopped by my favourite bookshop to get something to read while sitting under one of the beautiful linden trees in the city centre & couldn't resist Sylvia Plath's poetry. Ok, not the merriest of poets for a day like today, but for some strange reason I'm always drawn to people with a dark side, which is quite a contrast with my own "joie de vivre".

the bookshop

I couldn't concentrate on the poetry, too many sounds, sights & scents to distract me. And ended up drifting into my own thoughts, some of the very same ones that keep me awake at night. How I wish I could be a poet to use words to unburden my soul.

Another beautiful day awaits me tomorrow, and so does another stroll in the park.

Saturday night swaying to...

C'est moi....

...the damsel under stress. Changed the header to suit the state I'm in. Lack of sleep is taking a toll on my life. Damn! I should be enjoying the sunshine, training for the camino or getting all dolled up for a night on the town. But instead I'm here worrying about whether or not I'm going to get some sleep tonight. To top it all off the little guy's sick, with a temperature, so I had to miss the grand opening of the headquarters of our Association. So there you go. I'm depressed! In distress! And most certainly under stress!

Excalibur

Treacherous heel gets stuck in the grooves of cobbled stoned sidewalk. Many gentlemen came to rescue this damsel in distress. But only one was able to pull the shoe out! And behold.... Excalibur! That should teach this lady to learn how to walk properly in them first.

Please let me sleep

These bouts of insomnia are freaking me out. I'm now starting to fret way before bedtime. So, you know how it goes, the more you worry about it, the worse it gets. Just had a long hot bath with aromatherapy and the works. Tried to get rid of all those thoughts that have been making their way into my head. But I'm still not too confident about tonight's beauty sleep. I'm 40 and can't afford those dark circles under my eyes, plus I need the energy for a heavy workload tomorrow. Let's see if those sheep do the trick.

Moons, junes & tunes

Couldn't sleep last night. Bad case of insomnia. Too old to count sheep, so I sing tunes in my head instead. Not the best remedy if you can't remember song lyrics, as so often happens at my age. Frustration sets in & then sure enough there is no way you're going to fall asleep.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evreywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
(???)

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
(???)

I'm going back to counting sheep tonight!!!! I deal badly with sleep deprivation.

Secrets, Tunes & Sunday Blooms

I am so fascinated by secrets. Up until a few years ago, when I had plenty more time to spare, I used play a little game to entertain myself while leisurely drinking my coffee in some corner café. I loved observing people, trying to imagine what dark secrets they might be hiding. Nowadays, due to lack of time, I check out PostSecrets every Sunday to feed my passsion for secrets. I have to admit some of them are quite creepy.

PostSecret

I am certainly not the best person to share a secret with. As soon as someone tells me some story and adds that line at the end "but it's a secret" I feel like screaming. That is precisely the wrong thing to say to someone like me, because it triggers a not-so-nice side of me that now just wants to share the damn secret with the whole world. If you want it to be secret then don't mention the "s" word. That's the only way to guarantee that your secret will be kept safe with me.

I wish I had a secret side just to add a "je ne sai quois" to my life, spicing it up with a touch of mystery. But no! I'm just plain boring because my life is an open book. You'll find everything there is to know about me in the first 5 minutes we meet, you'll probably get my life story, my infertility history and I will most certainly bore you with my tales of motherhood. However, today I do have a secret. And because I'll burst if I don't share it with someone, here it goes. My internet connection wasn't working this morning and I completely freaked out. (I immediately realised it was because I'd forgotten to pay my phone bill) So, I talked my guys into a trip to the mall. There I sent them to the arcade and went rushing to the FNAC, where I purchased a mobile ADSL USB stick (is that what they're called?), hid it in my purse and went rushing back to the guys, quite nonchalantly, hoping they hadn't picked up on anything. So there you go, that's probabaly the only secret in my life right now.

Leonard Cohen springs to mind when I think about secrets. "In My Secret Life" is without a doubt one of my all time favourite tunes. I get this funny feeling inside everytime I hear it and goosebumps all over. I just can't explain the reaction it provokes in me. I really wanted to post the original video, but embedding wasn't enabled. But follow this link to see it.

Repeatedly in Cohen's writings we find metaphors of a soldier fighting against the rival force. I think that's one of the features that draws me to him...the battle, the struggle, the fight!

Hold on, hold on, my brother
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I'll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

And to finish off these Sunday musings, we were blessed with glorious spring weather this weekend. I spent the afternoon slaving away in my garden, while listening to Mr LC, and mowing the lawn. Every inch of my body is aching and I'll certainly need a long soak in a bubbly bath tonight. I leave you with some blooms from my garden and wish you a wonderful week.

Thoughts on Camiño de Santiago & Infertility

Can you find the similarities?

Another journey awaits me...

Would you? Could you? At 40?

Santiago de Compostela

...do the Pilgrim's Trail of Santiago? I'm going! Not for religious purposes (I don't even think there's a religious bone in my body), but just because it's one of those things I've always dreamed of doing. Let's see if this old gal will survive the 200km-6-day walk to Santiago de Compostela. Does that sound crazy enough to you?

Follow this symbol all the way to Santiago de Compostela

"Ten centuries ago, a pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela entailed an arduous preparation. The pilgrim-to-be had to put things in order at home, write his last will, procure money for his gear and lodging, and obtain from his priest a certificate of good faith. Similarly, today a pilgrim needs what is called in Spain a credencial, a letter of accreditation delivered by the many Associations of the Friends of Saint James, found all over the world, which gives access to private or religious lodging for a minimal sum.

The Medieval pilgrim’s outfit consisted of a wide-brimmed hat; a long walking stick (bourdon) made of strong wood with an iron end, useful in fending off wolves and dogs; and a leather pouch slung over the shoulder to hold the small amount of food it was practical to carry."

Going Back to Georgia (no! going back to work)

It's back to work tomorrow after a very short Carnival break. I'm in a suprisingly good mood considering. Must be the beautiful spring weather. And to finish off the holidays, here's one of the most beautiful folk voices singing one of my favourite feel-good songs.

To wear or not to wear?

There is one thing that really drives the little guy crazy. He's not able to understand or accept his mom's stubborness when it comes to wearing a wedding ring. My refusal to wear one is just beyond his grasp. Maybe because I've never given him a proper explanation. Fact of the matter is I don't like them. My husband took his off right after the wedding cerimony, 19 years ago, which was perfectly ok with me. And I wore mine on and off for 12 years (mostly off) and my pregnancy was the perfect excuse to take it off for good. "But why, mommy?" he keeps nagging me. Just because! It's not that I mind wearing jewellery. After all I'm a gal! I just hate conventional notions that if you're married you have to wear a wedding band. I guess I still like the idea of keeping the rebel inside of me alive. But it also bothers me that it might cause my son some heartache. So, what do I do? Wear it for the sake of my son's happiness? Would my stubborn refusal cause some unnecessary trauma? Or just stick to the fact that I don't want to wear something just because people think I have to.

I welcome your words of wisdom.