Here, listening to...

En Tus Brazos

Somebody posted this on the discussion board of our association and I just had to bring it over here to share with you. I'm still in awe at the beauty of this animated movie. It reminds me of when my dad lost his leg to cancer and the hardships he went through in order to re-invent himself. And then of course we have the passion & power of tango. It is sexy, promiscuous and predatory!

I highly recommend watching this movie in high quality on the official website "En Tus Brazos".

Sunday Singing

What tunes would get you to the dancefloor right now? Are we going for 80s cheese? C'mon, humour the DJ here.

Quiet Nights

Sunday Singing - Guaranteed

Boots of Spanish Leather

Searching for some inspiration tonight to finish off some work. Nothing better than the words of the great poet, Bob Dylon, in Nanci's angelical voice. Wishing everybody a great week!

Saturday night swaying to...

Secrets, Tunes & Sunday Blooms

I am so fascinated by secrets. Up until a few years ago, when I had plenty more time to spare, I used play a little game to entertain myself while leisurely drinking my coffee in some corner café. I loved observing people, trying to imagine what dark secrets they might be hiding. Nowadays, due to lack of time, I check out PostSecrets every Sunday to feed my passsion for secrets. I have to admit some of them are quite creepy.

PostSecret

I am certainly not the best person to share a secret with. As soon as someone tells me some story and adds that line at the end "but it's a secret" I feel like screaming. That is precisely the wrong thing to say to someone like me, because it triggers a not-so-nice side of me that now just wants to share the damn secret with the whole world. If you want it to be secret then don't mention the "s" word. That's the only way to guarantee that your secret will be kept safe with me.

I wish I had a secret side just to add a "je ne sai quois" to my life, spicing it up with a touch of mystery. But no! I'm just plain boring because my life is an open book. You'll find everything there is to know about me in the first 5 minutes we meet, you'll probably get my life story, my infertility history and I will most certainly bore you with my tales of motherhood. However, today I do have a secret. And because I'll burst if I don't share it with someone, here it goes. My internet connection wasn't working this morning and I completely freaked out. (I immediately realised it was because I'd forgotten to pay my phone bill) So, I talked my guys into a trip to the mall. There I sent them to the arcade and went rushing to the FNAC, where I purchased a mobile ADSL USB stick (is that what they're called?), hid it in my purse and went rushing back to the guys, quite nonchalantly, hoping they hadn't picked up on anything. So there you go, that's probabaly the only secret in my life right now.

Leonard Cohen springs to mind when I think about secrets. "In My Secret Life" is without a doubt one of my all time favourite tunes. I get this funny feeling inside everytime I hear it and goosebumps all over. I just can't explain the reaction it provokes in me. I really wanted to post the original video, but embedding wasn't enabled. But follow this link to see it.

Repeatedly in Cohen's writings we find metaphors of a soldier fighting against the rival force. I think that's one of the features that draws me to him...the battle, the struggle, the fight!

Hold on, hold on, my brother
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I'll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

And to finish off these Sunday musings, we were blessed with glorious spring weather this weekend. I spent the afternoon slaving away in my garden, while listening to Mr LC, and mowing the lawn. Every inch of my body is aching and I'll certainly need a long soak in a bubbly bath tonight. I leave you with some blooms from my garden and wish you a wonderful week.

Going Back to Georgia (no! going back to work)

It's back to work tomorrow after a very short Carnival break. I'm in a suprisingly good mood considering. Must be the beautiful spring weather. And to finish off the holidays, here's one of the most beautiful folk voices singing one of my favourite feel-good songs.

You are my sister

You are My Sister - Antony and the Johnsons (with Boy George)

You are my sister, we were born
So innocent, so full of need
There were times we were friends but times I was so cruel
Each night I'd ask for you to watch me as I sleep
I was so afraid of the night
You seemed to move through the places that I feared
You lived inside my world so softly
Protected only by the kindness of your nature
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
We felt so differently then
So similar over the years
The way we laugh the way we experience pain
So many memories
But there's nothing left to gain from remembering
Faces and worlds that no one else will ever know
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
I want this for you
They're gonna come true (gonna come true)

Antony and the Johnsons will be playing here in town on the 16th of May. I'll be there!

I dedicate this song to all my IF sisters. / Dedico esta canção a todas as minhas "irmãs" que lutam contra a infertilidade. Que todos os vossos sonhos se realizem.

Sunday singing...

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon (with drummer Steve Gadd)

...while doing some chores around the house. My cleaning lady didn't show up this week. Great! What with working Saturday mornings, having to do laundry & grocery shopping and now tidying up a very messy house, there goes the weekend. So, I've been waltzing around the house singing my little heart away. The little guy thinks I'm bonkers and has already let me know that I would be an embarrassment to him if any of his buddies saw me in this state. Chill out, old man! Moms are entitled to let their hair down every once and a while.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

How can you not sing to this? A classic! I think I'm going to get the little guy to sing along with me.

Mama Afrika

The world has lost many great musicians this year, but for me Miriam Makeba was so much more than just a singer. A civil rights activist, she fought hard against apartheid, testifying before the United Nations back in 1963. My blog was temporarily closed down when she passed away, so here goes my tribute to this remarkable woman now.

Probably most famous for "Pata Pata", which just makes you want to get up and move those hips (not that easy at 40, tho), I absolutely love her cover of Jorge Ben Jor's "Chove Chuva". Isn't it divine?

Comedy and tragedy walking hand in hand at Xmas

The antithesis of traditional Xmas ballads, A Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis, in the bourbon-soaked voice of Tom Waits, is my all-time favourite. It makes me laugh and want to cry at the same time. And it pretty much sums up how I feel around this "jolly" season.

A few weeks ago I received three text-messages, one after another, that filled me with joy. Three very close IF sisters from my support group found out they were pregnant, one of them with twins. That sent me over the moon. But 3 is still not good enough. There are still too many couples out there for whom Xmas is the most painful time of the year.

For so many years I dreaded Xmas! I used to wish I could go to sleep for the whole month of December. That way I could skip my birthday, which was always a reminder that my clock was ticking away, and miss out on the farce of Christmas. Because, believe me, there was nothing merry about it. That fake smile on my face as I went door to door, delivering presents to friends & relatives. All of them with kids, of course. And me pretending everything was hunky dory and reassuring people that I'd never felt happier. Ho! Ho! Ho!

hey Charley I think I'm happy
for the first time since my accident
and I wish I had all the money
that we used to spend on dope
I'd buy me a used car lot
and I wouldn't sell any of em
I'd just drive a different car
every day dependin on how
I feel.

But I thanked my lucky stars for being an only child, no brothers or sisters with kids. It was just a very quiet meal with my parents, praying the day would go by as quickly as possible. God, I hated Xmas!

And in a way I still do. Although the little guy has brought more joy to my life than I could ever have hoped for, the magic of Christmas is completely lost for me. There are people out there still experiencing that raw pain that I felt around this time of year. So, here at home I go through the motions because I need to keep the magic going for my son. He's 7 years old and still believes in that jolly old man in a red suit & white beard. And I hope he keeps believing for a long time!

Not the most cheerful of posts, I apologise. But just because I'm not crazy about Christmas doesn't mean I want to spread my gloom around. I wish everyone a truly magical Christmas!

Birthday present

I received a belated B-day present today that was well worth the wait! The Trinity Sessions: Cowboy Junkies. Here's Misguided Angel, one of my favourites. I used this CD as background music for a writing lesson with my teenagers today. I think it really inspired them.

The Blind Boys of Alabama

This is where I'll be tonight! The Blind Boys of Alabama are in town for a Christmas show and I'm going with some colleagues from work. It's girls' night out.

Monday Memory

The little guy is a big fan of Bob Sinclair so we were on YouTube searching for some videos. I decided to show him what I was listening to at his age. That's right, folks! We're talking The Bay City Rollers back in 1976. The little guy just laughed in my face, "You're not serious, mom!" Come to think of it, I do feel a little embarrassed now when I recall all that plaid. I have school pictures lying around in which I'm wearing my Bay City Rollers tartan waistcoat.

My Old Man

My old man and I have gone through a tough week. Not that these trials in life are new to us. We've had our share in the nearly 2 decades we've been together. If there's one thing I can say for infertility is that if you're able to survive it as a couple, than you can pretty much cope with anything. For 12 years it was our love and a shared dream of building a family that bound us together. Seven years later it is that very same love and our dream-come-true that keeps us going.

We've come to the end of a week in hell, when once again we had to hit the ground running to fight for what matters most in our life: our family. Unfortunately, the initial battle was not won and we had to give into the SOB who, for whatever reasons he had, be it bitterness or revenge, rocked the boat of what is most sacred to us. Giving in is the hardest thing one can do. This was a David versus Goliath battle from the very start and, although we could have fought this out to the end in a legal battle, we decided it wasn't worth it. Either way, here in Portugal we always stand to lose when facing people in high-powered jobs. Specially if these people carry a lot of bitterness in their heart and a grudge against world.

So, in the end I think that what could have been regarded as defeat, we choose to regard as a victory. Accepting our limitations as parents, acknowledging that it is impossible to create a perfect world for our son, is part of the long and winding road of parenthood. We will now have to juggle our jobs somehow to secure that my son has his parents when he needs them, even if something is lost along the way in terms of our careers.

I was very bitter this week and angry at the world. How could we, infertility survivors, still have to continue fighting for our family? That anger and resentment managed to seep its way into every aspect of my life, including my volunteer work with infertile couples. I was angry at everybody. And felt even angrier because it was unfair to a lot of people. However, a lesson is always learnt in any painful experience in life. And in this story it is one of acceptance of our limitations, something I constantly preach to the couples of my support group. The plain fact is that we just can't always have it all. We need to contantly re-invent our dreams, re-invent our lives and re-invent ourselves.

I admire my husband so much for the way he dealt with this situation, without losing the gentleness that makes him such a special guy. He could have got the perfect schedule, the principal (aka the SOB) offered him an alternative, however that meant screwing up the lives of other teachers. Something that could have been avoided from the very start if he hadn't let his meanness get in the way of better judgement. My husband simply could not do that to his colleagues and I love him for that. Cause that's just the kind of guy my old man is. And that's the kind of dad my son needs.

Thank you to everybody who made me smile this week.

Angola Bound

Tomorrow is back to work for me, that means end-of-holiday-bliss countdown is now official (not that there was any bliss in these last few days). So, I was just here reading the NYT to catch up on what's going on in the world. Holiday bliss includes not reading the daily papers or listenting to the news. basically as cut off from the world as one can be with access to the internet. But tomorrow I enter the gates of reality and need to be prepared for whatever's out there.

I had absolutely no idea that there was a Hurricane Gustav on the way and people were being evacuated from New Orleans because the storm was moving toward the Louisiana coast. According to the NYT, "Gustav was larger and more dangerous than Hurricane Katrina, and he (the Mayor) pleaded with residents to get out or face flooding and life-threatening winds". Just thinking back to all those lives lost and devastation, I truly hope this is not the case.

As I was reading the article it finally dawned on me the reference to Angola in Aaron Neville's "Angola Bound". For my North American readers, in case you don't know, Angola is a former Portuguese colony in Africa, which gained its independence back in 1974 (I think). I always thought the song was about the country. What I did not know was that Angola is also the name of the Louisiana State Penitentiary. Now it's all crystal clear. Goes to show how little attention I pay to lyrics:

You been a long time coming but you're welcome home, angola bound
And go to Louisiana get your burdens on, angola bound

The jury found me guilty cause they wrote it down, angola bound
Judge said, junkie boy you're penitentiary bound, angola bound

Wednesday Words

Careless Love

Love, oh love, oh careless love,
You've fly though my head like wine
You've wrecked the life
Of many a poor girl
And you nearly spoiled this life of mine

Love, oh love, oh careless love,
In your clutches of desire
You've made me break a many true vow
Then you set my very soul on fire

Love, oh love, oh careless love,
All my happiness bereft
Cause you've filled my heart with weary old blues
Now I'm walkin' talkin' to myself

Love, oh love, oh careless love,
Trusted you now it's too late
You've made me throw my old friend down
That's why I sing this song of hate

Love, oh love, oh careless love,
Night and day I weep and moan
You brought the wrong man into this life of mine
For my sins till judgement I'll atone

I love Madeleine Peyroux. This is a feel-good song for me. Always brings a smile to my face and my feet like tapping away to the beat. Hope you enjoy!

Ok, so I'm no Madonna

I hear Madonna turns 50 today. She looks pretty amazing. I mean, if I could guarantee skin and a body like hers at 40, age would be the least of my worries. My husband says it all comes down to botox and plastic surgery, that I have great skin and loves my figure. Ha! He would say anything to guarantee his next meal. Still, I wouldn't say no to some plastic surgery if hubby would be willing to pay. Anything to prevent boobs from starting to point south.

I'm not a Madonna fan at all, but last year I did a really nice lesson with a group of teenagers around the song "True Blue". They absolutely loved it and were dancing away in class. There was only one boy in the group, really sweet goofy little guy and you could just see his eyes rolling every time the girls asked to play the song. Here's to Madonna who makes the road to 40 seem less daunting!